Monday, September 25, 2006

I F'ing Hate Desperate Housewives.

Yet I still continue to watch. I don't know why. It started out pretty good, but it's total misogynistic crap that gets worse and worse each season while the "Housewives" become more and more freakishly preserved. Terri "Skeletor" Hatcher is so plastic and gaunt it pains me to even look at her. Still, the juicy plotlines do seem to fill an unmistakable void in my life since Melrose Place departed long ago. And what else am I doing at 9:00 on a Sunday night?

One thing that is driving me nuts about this damn show is this crap they're pulling with Bree, (Marcia Cross's character.) She started out as my favorite one of the bunch, although she pretty much still is out of default just because the others suck so much. Since I'm guessing the number of my readers who watch Desperate amount to the tune of, say no one, here is a season-by-season rundown of her character so far:

Season 1: Bree VanDecamp is introduced as the neurotic, obsessive compulsive housewife with a touch of the crazies. Her repressed ladylike facade masks what could be a total badass waiting to happen. Her husband Rex is unhappy with their marriage and is unfaithful with the friendly neighborhood dominatrix. Bree and Rex have two kids: Danielle the Slut, and Andrew the Gay Sociopath. Rex also has a heart condition, and is unceremoniously killed off at the end of the season when Bree catches the eye of murderous neighborhood pharmacist, George, who tampers with Rex's heart medication.

Season 2: Bree is dating, and becomes engaged to George, the man who murdered her beloved Rex! Juicy!!!! Right? Well unfortunately they totally shot their load early on this one. Bree figures out George murdered Rex after he attempts to murder her shrink, and George is unceremoniously killed off by committing suicide while Bree watches him die. Boooo-ring. There's also some crap with Danielle the Slut dating the murderous neighborhood teenaged boy. The rest of the season is spent cultivating poor Bree's carefully contrived alcoholism while Andrew the Gay Sociopath torments her. Oh, and then on the season finale Bree becomes involved with Orson, who had a brief thing with Skeletor, who also runs down Mike Delfino with his car for reasons unknown. (I'm not even going to get into Skeletor and Mike's stupid plotline.)

Season 3: In the season premier opening segment, we see a flashback where Orson The Psychopath murders his wife. Or, shall I say, it is strongly eluded that he murders his wife. Flash forward to the present, and Bree and Orson have been dating for 6 months when they become engaged!!!! Wow, Rex has only been in the ground a little over a year and Bree is already engaged to her second psychopath murderer! You gotta admit, that's pretty impressive. This episode also featured a scene in which Bree and Orson clean recently used wine glasses. Good to see you've kicked that nasty alcoholism, Bree! Then Orson and Bree do it, or sort of anyway, and Bree has her first orgasm ever and goes to the doctor because she doesn't understand what it is. So. Gay.

It would be nice to see Bree kick some major ass, or at least become slightly empowered this season, but somehow I think that's doubtful. All of the women on this show are either wishy-washy damsels in distress, or bitches. There's no middle ground, here. And so continues my love-hate relationship with Desperate Housewives. This show is like crack... I know it's killing my brain cells but I just can't stop watching.


loveyouintheface said...

I've never been addicted to a television show *cough* RS:SN *cough* so I have no idea what you're talking about.

Out of all the women I like Marcia Cross the best because she has red hair. I also can't begin to fathom why Felicity Huffman is even on that show and I just simply despise the rest of them.

I don't have a television but I swear to all that flickers across a glowing tv screen that I get as much joy reading about shows as I do watching them. It's how I'm keeping up with Project Runway AND spoiling future episodes of Veronica Mars that I will get from Netflix.

Also, why in the heck do the characters and plot start off as fairly plausible, and then at some undefinable point hit fantasyland with a vengeance. Not that I mind...but still.

litelysalted said...

I typically like Felicity Huffman and I can't fathom why she's on this show either. (That's what you meant by that, right?) Her character is such an abrasive, unpleasant, jealous, ballbusting hag, too... Don't even get me started on Lynette!

aejr said...

MELROSE PLACE!!! OMIGOD i thought i was the only one. I used to go over Nikki's for Melrose, and me and her and her mom used to sit in front of the TV, smoking cigarettes and eating mac n cheese. When "big lips" was thrown across the parking lot, we were DYING with laughter. how i miss melrose place. I don't bother with the housewives. i am still working on making up all the sex in the city episodes.

loveyouintheface said...

That's what I meant. In terms of acting ability she outranks these varicose vixens totally and completely.

TrannyGranny said...

Wow. I am glad don't have TV.

HHAAAHAAA!!! The word verification this time is "nemiibd"

Sounds like some kind of high-tech venereal disease! Say it out loud, it is awesome!

Anonymous said...

I can't even.