Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Shittiest Cookbook Ever.

On my way out of Borders the other day, I passed the bargain book rack and noticed this cookbook on clearance for 5 bucks. Since I was running back to work, I quickly leafed through it and upon seeing a few recipes such as Lentil-Vegetable Soup, Black Bean Soup and Vegetable Chili, made an impulse buy.

I own a slow cooker which I rarely use mostly because I'm at a loss as what to put in it. After reading this book, I'm still at a loss as to what to put in it. I realized upon further inspection that the main ingredient of the Vegetable-Lentil Soup was canned lentil soup. The hell?! If I wanted to eat canned soup, I'd just eat canned soup. It takes only minutes to heat up on the stovetop, hence the convenience aspect of it. But I don't want to eat canned soup because most of it is disgusting and loaded with preservatives and sodium. I'd say 90% of the recipes in this book start out with some sort of creamed soup base, all with ambiguous non-appetizing names. Now why couldn't I have flipped to any of these recipes before I made my impulse buy??

Here we go, and I ain't making these up:

Pizza Soup
Taco Soup

Is there anything that can't be enjoyed in soup form?

Cheddar Soup Plus
Plus love. Or, frozen peas.

Ole! For Stew

Green Bean Revenge
If I were a Green Bean, I'd want revenge for topping me with crushed potato chips, too.

Krazy Karrots
Although, in my opinion carrots roasted in ranch dressing and brown sugar aren't so much "krazy" as "vomitous."

Super Corn
Yummy Corn

Neither "Super" or "Yummy."

Hoppin' John
This sounds a little too "toiletly" for my tastes. The last time I had a Hoppin' John was the day after a Chili Pepper Festival.

Crunchy Couscous
I'll make crunchy couscous right now. No crock pot required. Or heat source of any kind, for that matter.

Chicken for the Gods
The Gods of Shitty Crock Pot Cooking

Chicken Delight
Chicken Dinner

At some point they just got tired of coming up with chicken recipe names...

Chicken For Supper
Chicken-Ready Supper
Chicken Supper
Chicken-Supper Ready

...and then they just got fucking lazy.

Classy Chicken Dinner
Uses "petite" frozen peas. Ooh la, la! Rupert, do set out the fine china. We're having Classy Chicken Dinner tonight!

Make-Believe Lasagna
Best served with fake-ass garlic bread.

Cola Roast
It should come as no surprise that this recipe actually does contain soda.

Meat on the Table
Mmm.... Meat... On the Table...

Special Hot Dog Supper
If this is insinuating that this dish is for "special" people, well that's just an insult to retards everywhere.

Ham to the Rescue
Now who is going to rescue the poor innocent ham from the Cheez-Its? Yes, Cheez-Its. I wish I was making this up.

Aaaaand now for dessert!

Peaches With Crunch
Did Chinese people write this book??

Surprise Dessert
This dessert really sucks. Surprise!


Anonymous said...

Nothing for beer soup? Like the Valley Forge Brew Pub?


Linz said...

I think I'm seriously frightened of any dessert made in a crock pot. And I'm a dessert lover. Really.

couscouscaboose said...

HA! I think you should make a bunch of those recipes and have a big party.

Meechity said...


Who would Cheez-Its in a crock pot?? Can you imagine the orange, hammy slime that comes out of that recipe? I think, just for shits and giggles (probably more shits, based on these recipies), you should make a couple of these and post blogs about how godawful they are in really-real life.

I'll opt for the fake-ass garlic bread thanks!!!

And now, for my boyfriend's famous recipe, straight from the streets of Reading PA:

 Packaged egg noodles
 20 packets of ketchup

Soak the egg noodles in a cup of hot-ish water. Drain. Douse with ketchup. Serves 75.

litelysalted said...

LOL That reminds me of this Kids in the Hall sketch...

"I wonder what the poor people are doing??" Hee!!!!!

The "Ham to the Rescue" recipe actually involved processing the ham, crushing the Cheeze-Its, and making "ham patties" which are then placed in the crock pot and covered with some kind of creamy (presumably soup based) sauce.

There are lengths even I won't go to in the name of comedy.

Boogie On Reggae Woman said...

that is hilarious... i would have probably been relieved if it said add canned soup... i suck at cooking...

Meechity said...

They should have subtitled the book "How to contract tapeworms in 30 days or less".

"Dohh-dee-oatin-dotin-day, fattening up our tapeworm!"

litelysalted said...

"How to contract tapeworms in 30 days or less"

BWAH!!!!!! Meech I love you!!!