Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Litelysalted loves herself some New York!

In a landmark proceeding in regards to reality TV programming, beloved crackwhore/lunatic New York (aka Tiffany Patterson) has gotten her very own reality show: I Love New York . What makes I Love New York so unprecedented is that this show is a spin-off of a sequel of a spin-off of a spin-off (counts fingers) of what was essentially a fourth rate cable reality show to begin with.

Confused? Well Surreal Life (4?) gave us breakout "star" Flavor Flav, who went on to do Strange Love with Surreal Life co-star Brigitte Nielsen. Strange Love then begat the "Bachelor-esque" Flavor of Love where viewers first got a taste of New York... One season of Flavor of Love apparently wasn't enough so VH1 trotted both Flav AND New York back out for season two. New York made it into the "final two" both seasons, but ultimately lost in the end. A wise man named George Bluth once said: "Never promise crazy a baby!" and I think that sums it up it nicely.

Which brings us to today, where the now twice-jilted New York gets her own Bachelorette-type reality dating show, complete with 20 different kinds of crazy to choose from. Also starring in I Love New York is New York's clearly insane mother, Meeees "Sister" Michelle, who actually was involved in a minor physical altercation with Flavor Flav on S2 of Flavor of Love.

I Love New York premiered last night, and I have to say this show is AWESOME, and will definitely blow the sometimes-nauseating Flavor of Love out of the stupid "FLAVOR FLAAAAAV!" water. This show fills the "Maury" void I've had in my life ever since I started working 9-5. I must say, the producers have done a splendid job in finding 20 men who are about as insane as New York. The cast is fairly diverse, race-wise, however New York accuses half of the non-African American contestants of being racist and her mother accuses the other half of being gay. She's not entirely wrong on that one, either... And has coined the phrase Undercover Gay, which will forever be cemented in my vocabulary.

Standout contestants include:

Mr. Boston
Mr. Boston, who originaly requested that his nickname be "Stud," looks very much like a Ken doll minus the charisma. I suspect he may be somewhat mentally retarded, and doesn't exactly do what I consider "justice" to the fine city of Boston. In the premier he tells Meeees Michelle that he wants to have inter-racial babies with New York who look like "Derek Jeter."

T-Bone
When T-Bone actually admitted that he hasn't had sex in 3 years, I think he was giving himself the benefit of the doubt. New York correctly points out that his self-professed "Bedroom Eyes" are pointing in two different directions.

Romance
To sum up Romance: GAY, GAY, GAY!!! Not even the "undercover" gay Meees Michelle was referring to, because Romance's gayness is about as subtle as the entire cast of Queer Eye, Liberace, Elton John, and every gay porn star that has ever existed put together. In the introduction/nickname ceremony, Romance breaks down in tears that he recently "lost" his precious Maltese, "Princess," and that if New York gives him a chance he'll treat her every bit as good as he treated Princess. Whew.

Chance
Already fan-favorite and serious contendor, Chance is the token cro-magnum thug whom, much like a Bum to Night Train, New York is immediately and overwhelmingly drawn to. Chance will no doubt make the final two and likely go on to star in his very own brand-of-crazy Reality Show, Give Chance a Piece*.

* TM-TWoP Forums

323 comments:

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Chris said...

Public Enemy was one of the first "quality" groups I ever got really into, so I try to deny the existence of "Flavor of Love" as much as possible (not that Flav was previously setting the dignity bar high w/ all those drug arrests). However, it's pretty astounding how they keep coming up w/ shows apparently even dumber. "Derek Jeter." Jesus Christ.

litelysalted said...

Chris, you will NOT(!) shame me out of loving this show. In fact, I dare you to watch it and tell me it's not great. One of the contestants actually says, upon first glimpse of New York, "You put a hurt on my penis!"

You're just not gonna find quality programming like this on Masterpiece Theater.

Chris said...

I wasn't trying to lay the shame on. I'm actually watching it right now. The mother is tormenting Mr. Boston.

Anonymous said...

I noticed that picture of Mr. Romance looks like Mr. Incredibles from the movie. All he needs is a red bodysuit.

Walrus Gumboot said...

So what you're "story" is basically saying is that you throughly enjoy the reality show genre?

What does Mr Salted think of your TV viewing habits?

aejr said...

Mr. Boston looks like Renee Zellweger's long lost brother, equipt with the "I smell something funny" permagrin.

litelysalted said...

Just to clarify Wally's comment:

NO, I am not a big fan of the reality genre, although I (obviously) do catch the occasional show in VH1's "Celebreality" lineup. I can see where this review may lead the reader to believe otherwise, but I've never even seen American Idol or Survivor or any of that other massively-hyped, overproduced, scripted bullcrap that the networks shove down our throats and attempt to pass off as programming with "integrity."

What I love is the totally unadulterated, trainwreck crap shows. Think Maury, Cheaters, COPs, Elimidate... (when it was on) You're catching on. Even the Real World takes itself a little too seriously for my tastes. But I Love New York? Pure trash. I read a rumor since I wrote this this review, that production was almost halted for "Excessive Violence." And that's a show I can really get behind.

Walrus Gumboot said...

Salted - I didn't mean to touch a nerve! : )

Thanks for clearing that up though.

I still think you are a hilarious blogger.

litelysalted said...

Thanks Wally... :)

You didn't touch a nerve; I didn't mean to snap. I just tend to go off on rants pretty easily... Heh. I just like trash that knows it's trash, and thereby revels in it's trashiness. Does that make me a bad person?

Walrus Gumboot said...

No Salted, that makes you a very natural, understanding and honest person.

That's why I keep coming back here. : )

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