Monday, July 16, 2007

Better Get to Know Your "Rock of Love" Skanks

Well, you all knew this was coming. As is my tradition of covering VH1 competitive reality shows, "Rock of Love" starring Poison frontman Bret Michaels premiered on VH1 last night. And it... is... awesome. Never have I been so excited about a VH1 reality show since I Love New York. Okay, well I know that's not saying a lot, so just trust me -- it's great.

Basically, the premise is as such: Bret Michaels wants a deep and meaningful relationship with a girl who will share the spotlight with his first love -- wait for it -- rock and roll. But he'll settle for a bimbo he can nail while this show, God willing, resuscitates some semblance of life into his otherwise flailing career. It worked for Flavor Flav, right? As the credits roll we see footage of Michaels riding on a motorcycle, presumably on route to meet the girls, whom he describes as "25 of the most beautiful women in the world." Or you know, 25 of the most acceptable skanks VH1 could wrangle from America's vast array of nudie bars -- same difference. And with that, I bring you the following round-up of the skanktestants.

Brandi C. -- The Frontrunner
Brandi C. is totally the "New York" of Rock of Love. She's vapid, blonde and crazier'n a shithouse rat. She immediately begins referring to Bret as "her man" much to Bret's displeasure. But I have a feeling he'll come around -- the producers will see to that. Brandi C. will probably make it into the "Top 2" only to be rejected like New York and Chance before her.

VH1 Fun Facts: Likes to be naked and wants to be in Playboy; Received "Boobs" as birthday gift from her parents. Okay, so maybe these should be called "VH1 Ridiculously Fucking Unsurprising Facts."

Kristia -- The Follower
Kristia and Brandi C. immediately bond over the fact that they're blonde and retarded -- and Kristia seems just dumb and bland enough to go along with it; content following her counterpart around like a puppydog. They're BFF now, so if Larissa and Shay have taught us anything -- you know they'll soon be at each other's throats. I can't wait.

VH1 Fun Facts: Currently a Go Go Dancer (not exotic). Because she's classy like that.

Cindy aka "Rodeo" -- The Soulmate
Rodeo is immediately dismissed by the other girls for being too manly and wearing a cowboy hat. Fortunately for her, the very reasons she is spurned by the other girls are considered major selling points to Bret, who purportedly knows from experience that a woman wearing a cowboy hat is a turn-on in the sack. Different strokes for different folks, okay people? During a meaningful drunken conversation Bret and Rodeo find out they have stuff in common like illegitimate children and medical conditions. I know it's early in the game, but I'm picking her as a serious contender, possibly even the winner.

VH1 Fun Facts: Sometimes wears cowboy hat in bed. Shocking.

Lacey -- The Wannabe
Lacey -- who I'm dubbing the "Krazy" of Rock of Love -- is the aspiring rock star who is approximately one episode away of being accused of being "not there for Bret." Lacey seems alright in the sense that if I met her at a bar while I was wasted, I would probably be down with her. But ultimately she seems like she's trying too hard and that's gonna get pathetically old real soon.

VH1 Fun Facts: Last boyfriend was a guitar player; Animal lover and animal rights activist. Aw, see? She's an animal person. Animal people are good people.

Brandi M. -- The Badass
See, now this is the beauty of "Rock of Love": Two Brandis. I love it. This Brandi is a stark contrast of the other Brandi. Well, okay she's admittedly a stripper, so maybe not that different. But she puts on a tough girl facade and is covered in tattoos. I will be sorely disappointed if Brandi M. is not ejected from the game for fighting.

VH1 Fun Facts: Mom is her best friend; She can fit her fist in her mouth. See? She's just a sweet Momma's girl at heart... Who can fit her entire fist in her mouth.

Tiffany -- The Wild Card
Tiffany looks like the misbegotten love child of Ginger Spice and a troll doll. Her face literally looks like it's made out of silly putty. I would say that Tiffany is like the "Mr. Boston" of "Rock of Love" but I think to say so much would be doing the esteemed Mr. Boston a disservice. Tiffany gets cut right off the bat, along with the four other fugliest girls for being, well, too fugly. And if you saw the entire cast of skanktestants, that's really saying something. Ever the good little deranged lunatic, Tiffany fights her way back into the house only to get completely and obnoxiously trashed off her ass and chided by the other 20 girls. And for whatever reason (oh, I'm sorry, "ratings") she again gets a free pass after not being picked at the first elimination. I don't know about you, but I can't wait to see what crazy hijinks Tiffany gets herself into next time! Wheeeee!

VH1 Fun Facts: Special Talent: Can bounce her boobs; Caught ex-husband cheating on her with her best friend so she broke the girl's nose. Ding ding ding! There we have it, folks! She's a scrapper!

Salty out -- see you next time, following the premiere of I Love New York 2!


TK said...

OK, I just read this and the TV Whore's review, and I want to pour boiling water into my eye sockets. And I didn't even watch it.

Although, I must admit, cowboy hats are totally a turn on for me. Just not on freakish tranny who looks like she just got out of the clink.

Katy said...

My sister saw Poison perform waaay back in the day in my hometown of Cumberland, Maryland and told Bret Michaels and Bolly Dall (sans their performance garb) to their faces that their performance sucked, only realizing later that she had spoken to the actual band. They do hail from Harrisburg though, right? Yay for local legends! But don't go thinking I'm all full of Central PA pride or nothin'.

Vermillion said...

if I met her at a bar while I was wasted, I would probably be down with her.

I totally read that wrong for a few seconds. Okay, minuntes. Okay, I kinda did realize what you meant, but I enjoyed imagining you said something so very different.

Also, THAT is what Stalker Butterface looks like? Oh HELL NO!

Boo said...

you know, i might watch this shite...

it just looks so entertaining, and for those of us that like to feel superior, it's a free fuckin lotto ticket with the winning number!


TheHoInMO said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TheHoInMO said...

I'm gonna have to tune in to see what all the fuss is about, as if I don't watch enough reality tv already. I for one, would love to see a reality show about fat assed housewives who sit and watch all of this reality crap, in other words, welcome to my house!


Chez said...

Alright, first of all -- I love you.

Secondly, thanks to you I have no reason to watch this fucking show, which may not be such a compliment since I had already decided that it was going to take a Jigsaw-like test of will that involved a choice between this show and having to shoot my grandmother in the throat and claw the remote out of her colon to be able to change the channel. I remember the girls I met at strip clubs -- and in L.A. (same thing) -- all those years ago and I really don't need to ever hear their dumb-ass ill-informed takes on the world ever fucking again.

Thirdly, for some reason -- and here I'll bring up the brain tumor get-out-of-jail free card -- I had read through your references too fast and thought you called your beau Mr. Salted -- not Mr. Salty.

Because, well -- Mr. Salty.

(scrunches up face like he just saw a dead baby while walking into a gas station bathroom)

litelysalted said...

Wait, what's wrong with Mr. Salty? Does that mean something perverted and filthy that I'm too naive to understand?

I think I did used to call him Mr. Salted. Salty, Salted -- whatever! My brain is old and senile, and is being killed with alcohol. Hell, half of the time I'm lucky if I get his real name right! (I think it's John.)

Ranylt said...

Since I'm no longer at liberty to post willy-nilly in the Pajiba comments section (sob), I will use this forum to get it out of mah system (thanks, SF!) and, by gum, stay in touch with the in-crowd:

I see that Bret himself has turned up on the Pajiba Rock of Love thread; he's posting under the name of "Vanessa". Oy, Bret, you so sly!

Ranylt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ranylt said...

(And apparently I'm so primed to post, I hadta do it twice...)

Sally said...

I can't believe you left out Pink Hair--she was totally my favorite for a contender. And we know she gets pretty far because she was being serenaded in the previews.

litelysalted said...

ranylt, I saw that and it made me want to throw up. Anyone that uses the word "servicing" in an non-ironic way (not to mention describing their own conquests) gives me the chills.

And, sally -- I originally grabbed Pink Hair's photo meaning to include her, but when it came down to it I really just couldn't think of much to say about her. She seems to be the "coolest" of the bunch (by comparison) but at the same time, that's nothing to brag about. Heh.

Anonymous said...

Brandi C from the show is also a porn star!!

April said...

I haven't seen this show yet because my new place doesn't have cable. Anyway, does this putz ever take off his bandana and hat? I bet he hasn't had a full head of hair since the 80's.

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