Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Fun Facts About Your Web Mistress

I wasn't invited to play, and I don't think anyone reads this stupid website anymore -- but fuck it. Here are seven fun facts about yours truly.

1. I didn't learn to drive until I was 23 years old.
I have about a million excuses for this, but not a single good one.

2. I have been involved in four motor vehicle accidents since the age of 23.
Only one of them completely wasn't my fault at all. See? I always knew I wouldn't be good at driving.

3. I was born pigeon-toed.
I think I may have covered this once before. My parents wanted to have my legs surgically corrected, but I guess the doctor talked them out of it on account of the cruelty and all. This was later self-corrected after the hellish two years of Jr. High took their toll on my self esteem.

4. I watched Vice Versa starring Fred Savage and Judge Reinhold this weekend.
That's right. I watched it, because I love it -- so go fuck yourselves, you elitist barfbags.

5. I pierced my ears 13 times in high school.
Except for the first two on each side, I did all the rest myself. Because I was and always will be punk as fuck. Also? Stupid as fuck -- because as a result I have horrible scarring all up and down my ears as an adult.

6. I am almost legally blind.
Bet you guys didn't know what a freakshow I was, huh? Contact lens prescription: -7.50 (left) and -8.0 (right). Someday I plan in getting lasik but knowing my luck my vision will continue going downhill.

7. My sister and Mr. Salty's brother are married.
Yessss, incest, gloooorious incest. Well, not really. Anyway, this is a fact that never fails to fascinate people, so I thought I'd include it. Yes we come from a small town.


Alex the Odd said...

I still read, you can't shake me that easily.

Aw sorry litely, I assumed you would have already been tagged or I would have played and included you. Nothin' personal like.

I'm 22 and can't drive although most of my friends can't either - it still freaks me out getting in a car with someone my own age.

Out of interest: Which couple got together first?

TK said...

I'd read it more if you updated the damn thing.

So... you're a pigeon-toed, blind, incestuous self-mutilator who can't drive? AWESOME. I knew I liked you for a reason.

Your facts were cooler than mine.

sme said...

I still read your blog! In fact, I get bummed out when I come here and there's nothing new. You crack me up, litely.

litelysalted said...

Alex - They got together first. It was about 2-3 weeks earlier, I think. To be fair, I've been friends with my brother in-law since high school. It's not our fault we had such damn sexy siblings!

TK - I totally meant to include how I got kicked out of nursery school, too. I'll save that for another time.

sme - Thanks for the vote of confidence! I'll try harder, I promise. :)

Anonymous said...

There's another soul out there who's as blind as me! Even with shitastic vision, I will never get surgery. Lasik or any eye surgery or eye stuff terrifies me. Don't truck with them at all.

I nearly passed out in "Minority Report" from all the eyeball shenanigans.

Only one of my ten ear piercings is a homemade job, but I did wear a bunch of safety pins as earrings once. Not smart. Crazy infections popped up right after.

So that makes me lame punk, I guess.

And I read your posts, too. When time and small crazy toddler permits.

Vermillion said...

Once again, LS, you lead and I follow. I simply could not let you put your facts up and leave myself in the shadows. I wish I could quit you.

Also, as long as you never reveal you are your own grandpa, I think you are safe on the incest front.

Manny said...

Facts about the Lord of the Blogosphere (me)

1. I was once an extra on the Power Rangers TV show.

2. I've been driving with a suspended license for 3 years.

3. In one night I ingested enough Ecstacy to take down Robert Downey Jr. Good times, ya'll.

4. I survived a phone conversation with TK & meeting Matt in person. I-shit-you-not!

5. I'm unable to donate blood due to a liver enzyme caused by drinking too much.

onthevirg said...

I would have tagged you as well if I didn't think I'd get mercilessly mocked/abused.

I still check in and read, keep it coming sister!

litelysalted said...

Aw, you guys are the best. But is anyone else still trying to process the fact that Manny was on Power Rangers? Gasp!

A Bowl Of Stupid said...

Yeah, Manny's 'Mighty Morphing Power Ranger' power was the ability to 'morph' into a very (VERY) short Hispanic man. Very frightening, I know.

And not to worries, Salty, I wasn't invited to TK's self-aggrandizing 'tagging' party either (the bastard).

Oh, and as for blindness, pah-lease. I was 9.25 and 9.75 indexes in left, right eyes, respectively, until I got LASIK about 8 years ago. Now I still about 20/20 - 20/30 or so. Best money I ever spent (besides those Philippine transvestites, of course).

P.S. Not to judge or anything, but did you ever consider the ... uhh, ahem, ... 'shallow gene pool' of which you speak to be in any way associated with the pigeon toes and poor eyesight?

I'm just sayin ...

BarbadoSlim said...

Hmmmmm, bad driving, severe deformities, kin married to kin.

Are you from the south? Is your last name Spears?

aejr said...

i think the accident thing is like the incest thing... typical phoenixville-bred. it can't be helped! :) just make sure you don't pull a chad meyers and shut down pothouse road by having a shoot out with the cops. you moved out to spook lane just in time, i guess!

btw. why does everyone always love to talk about how blind they are? i'm not talking about you, or the commenter above, manda. i don't mean to pick a fight. i'm being serious. i just don't get why poeple always make a big deal about it. one person says, i'm almost legally blind, and then like, twenty people go, omigod, so am I! what's the big deal? why is it something that we all want everyone to know?

as a person who's sported coke-bottle glasses since the first grade, i've kept my mouth shut when people start bragging about loss of eyesight. because to me, it's something that i've always been embarrassed about. I'd do anything to give back those years of teasing and getting beat up for normal eyesight. whenever i get a new boyfriend, i abhor the day he has to see me in my glasses, which i like to refer to as "my uglies."

when people talk about it, I really feel like it sounds like bragging... my eyesight is SO bad. And again, not you, not Manda, just when people in general talk about eyesight. The funny thing is, that none of us really know how blind we really are, because it's not something that we can contrast and compare, aside from lens prescriptions. and even then, most of the time, eye doctors don't give you correct correction in your lenses, because that can make your eyes worse.

wow. i think i need to write my own blog. sorry!

aejr said...

btw. i missed you! you need to write more!!!