Just Hook it to my Veins

I finally did it. I broke down to the peer pressure from the internet, TV, Prisco, Beckylooo and the rest of the universe, decided to get an iPhone. I stopped at the mall on my way to the gym this morning and ordered it. Later during my workout, the immediate vicinity around my gym was hit with a lightning and hail producing thunderstorm of apocalyptic proportions, and I decided that it was God punishing me for buying the iPhone. (Which is silly, of course, because I don't believe in God!)

I made the decision on a whim, which is how I make all of my important, life-altering decisions. For the longest time I've resisted in going for a smart phone, for two reasons. One being that the times I'm not actually sitting in front of a computer are so few, that I cherish my personal time -- and two being that I didn't want to pay an extra $30 on my phone bill a month for the privilege of losing said personal time and completely succumbing to technology. However, after arriving home from my recent vacation to find over 200 emails in my inbox, I started getting the itch. Still, I was considering a cheaper model. But Blackberrys are ugly, and after perusing the Palm Centros at Best Buy yesterday, I decided that I didn't like the keypad and that the screen was too small. So it only made sense: I should get an iPhone. Right?

The logic is thusly. I'm usually a pretty frugal spender, but lately I have been completely irresponsible with money. Literally, here is an itemized report of money I've thrown down the toilet (or at least, spent very, very carelessly) in the past month or so:

• $50 in late fees for my J. Crew card. (Really? They do that for being one day late? Live and learn.)
• $200 on five new summer dresses. (I got good deals on them, but yeah: Five.)
• $65 on getting my keys out of my car. (See recent.)
• $17 on a glass vase shaped like a bird. (Purchase fueled by a half bottle of wine consumed at an expensive crepe restaurant down the street from store vase acquired from.)
• $30 on ill-fitting Pittsburg, NH souvenir sweatshirt that came down to my knees on vacation after leaving my favorite red hoodie at home. (Although I ended up giving that to Dustin, only slightly used and covered in dog hair, so it wasn't a total loss.)
• $20 on finger puppets. (Yeah, I don't really have an excuse/explanation for this one.)
• $2 on a bottle of water at the gym today. (Because I left my reusable one in the freezer at home, two strikes for being bad for the environment.)

So why exactly does blowing $384 (not even counting what I consider to be justified purchases like a new kayak and camera) constitute that I should spend another $200+ on an iPhone? Well, if I have a new iPhone, I'll most likely feel somewhat guilty about the purchase. This means I can whip it out and admire it lovingly whenever I get the urge to blow my self-made tuna sandwich for lunch at the local Mediterranean restaurant, or buy an extra half dozen bottles of wine that I like just because it's on sale for like a dollar off. See? My logic is astounding! Aside from the sweet GPS and internet at your fingertips, buyer guilt is one of the less publicized features of owning your very own iPhone.

Plus? I've had the same pink Razr for almost three years now, and I actually spent the same amount on that as I did on the new iPhone. And you know what? They've been giving away pink Razrs for about two of those years, making me feel like a stupid chump. Fuck that. At least I know that Steve Jobs is too much of a greedface to ever give away anything for free. (Although if they come out with pink ones in the next year, and they probably will, I'll be pissed.) So as I walked out of the mall today, texting Mr. Salty on that pink Razr and knowing it was one of the last times I would ever feel totally lame texting from a pink Razr in public, I did feel pret-ty damn good.