Tuesday, August 15, 2006

What I learned from watching NEXT on Mtv.

Okay first of all let me clear up why I watch NEXT. The treadmills at my gym all have little flatscreen TVs affixed to them. You can bring in headphones to listen to the TVs, but if you're like me and you run on average 6-8mph, it's both distracting and dangerous to have wires dangling around your face. So out of all the channels, Mtv is the one network that airs programming where the assumed mental capacity of the viewer is so substandard, you don't actually need sound to understand and enjoy it. Actually, I probably enjoy it more without the sound.

Having cleared that up. NEXT is quite possibly the most fascinating Mtv show I've ever seen. The girls are all whorey disease farms, and the guys are all clearly homosexual. As each potential "dater" is getting off the NEXT bus they do a freeze frame, and graphics on the screen helpfully give you the name and a few "fun facts" about each candidate. I shit you not, some of the "fun facts" I saw on the program tonight, (for the guys) included: Idolizes Keanu Reeves; Wears pink on a daily basis; Scopes Overeaters Anonymous to meet chicks; and Likes the smell of his own armpits. Well, of course. Because what totally not gay guy doesn't like the occasional whiff of man musk?* Oh, and let it be known that the OA guy actually kissed his bicep and flexed his muscle for the viewing pleasure of the other four totally not gay dudes on the bus.

The girls are slightly less entertaining, unless one of them falls off the bus. Of course there is always the Prerequisite Chubby Girl, who typically goes up first so the totally not gay guy in question can immediately "NEXT" her, much to the delight of the other catty whores waiting back on the bus.

So what did I learn by watching NEXT? Well, nothing, actually. Except our country is doomed, as the idiots will inherit the earth. But we already knew that.

*That's not a fair question. Litelysalted has quite a few gay friends, and without consulting with any of them I would have to assume that gay men probably don't actually like armpit smell. But you have to admit it doesn't present a rock solid case for straight, either.


spankcheeks said...

I happen to love the smell of my own armpits; it's a hypnotic blend of curry... and potting soil... and stale bouillon cubes. Plus, I sweat a lot, so I'm thinking of bottling it and calling it "Cheeky Musk."

Anney said...

i love next. the only show where the girls in the bus got so bored they had a farting contest. haven't seen it? you should!