Sunday, August 06, 2006

Why HGTV is hurting America.


Litelysalted would like to apologize in advance for this rant to a producer friend who works for HGTV.

Well, first off, not all shows on HGTV are bad. Like those shows that feature cutting edge architecture, or homes built out of renovated train stations. Those shows are boss. What I'm referring to are those schlocky DIY For Idiots shows. You know the ones I mean: "Redesign your living room for under $100, using only popsicle sticks, styrofoam and glitter!" If only I had a rolled up newspaper to swat on the nose of every moron whose glazed over facade suddenly brightens when they hear those words.

Now there is a reason why should shouldn't employ the same tactics for home improvement as you would in a third grade arts and crafts class. Your old shitty chair with a piece of felt glued to it it NOT a Brand New Chair. It is your same shitty old chair. With a piece of felt glued to it. Bitch, please. If you're that desperate for a new chair just go to Ikea. Even poor people can afford to shop at Ikea, so you've got no excuse.

What's even sadder is when they try to create "artwork" to display in their DIY masterpiece homes. I saw an episode of Curb Appeal this weekend where they cut apart a bike frame and made a windchime out of it. They didn't even do anything to it to make it not look like a bike frame, you could see the decals and everything. I could throwup a better windchime than that. (And aren't windchimes for old people anyway!?)

If you think Bad DIY is a victimless crime, well think again my friend. I know a woman, we'll call her Sharon.* She and her husband recently purchased their first house; a charming little row home with a huge backyard. Unfortunately the family that owned it before them probably watched one too many episodes of Trading Spaces. Among other things like crazy mismatching paint in every room, they have a ceiling fan in their home that was spray painted metallic silver. I can only imagine this poor fan was just another casualty of irresponsible DIY programming.

Before the hate mail commences, I would just like to say I have nothing against DIY. Mister Litelysalted and I are currently in the process of building a 2500 square foot deco style home that we designed ourselves. But there is a hugefuckingdifference between taking it upon yourself to do something creative and stylish, and making a decorative pillow out of an old pair of jeans and oversized buttons.

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

5 comments:

Meechity said...

I want to set that pillow on fire!!!! I hate buttons!!!

But... I love windchimes... not the ceramic flying pig ones, or the bicycle frame ones, or the butterfly fairy ones covered in glitter... the other ones.

But I guess I am getting kind of old.

Anonymous said...

so fucking true.

The one thing I seem to always be explaing to people is to look at the shit job everyone does on the makeovers. The camera sweeps by quickly during the final evaluation or they shoot from a distance with a wide angle to not show the shotty workmanship that is so the 72hr Trading Spaces trademark.
Who the fuck lays thinset, new tile, grout and then drags a fucking refridgerator across it and then congratulates each other and then the 'designers' leave the house like all is well.

the fucking tile shifts all over the place and the kitchen winds up looking like there was an earthquake the next day, these fucking tools.

FLN rules
Fine Living Network and DWELL magazine.

Matty

litelysalted said...

Good call! The litelysalted household lurves Dwell magazine.

Anonymous said...

btw: filthy hott photo.
pink is so the new black.

are you in a size 0-2 now?

matty

loveyouintheface said...

i once had a graphic design teacher who thought that Sorority Girl #68847 in my class was a genius because she wrapped her design portfolio in blue jean material.
Needless to say, we set fire to the classroom, tied him to a a chair and beat him mercilessly with copies of print magazine until he promised to quit teaching.
He now works for HGTV.