Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Just call me Gimpy McGimpface.*

Or how about Gimpysalted? Nice. I'm going to be totally honest with you, my preciouses. I am being treated for warts. On my foot. Blech!! One is a plantar wart that has been there, oh, threeish years now and after half-assedly attempting a home remedy, I decided upon the "let nature take it's course" approach to wart treatment. That is, until a few weeks ago until it fashioned itself a little friend to grow next to it. So it was off to the doctor with me. Also I had a less serious bumpy wart my pinky toe which has been there since early summer (conveniently arriving a week before my sister's wedding), and I figured I would kill two birds with one stone; or two warts with one super-atomic wart freeze ray, if you will.

When I arrived at my first podiatrist appointment last week, I naturally assumed he would be employing some kind of Total Wart Annihilation method of removal. (See: super-atomic wart freeze ray.) How naive I was! Apparently this particular podiatrist prefers a more progressive practice of wart removal which includes weekly treatments (on average of 6 weeks) that need to be bandaged/kept dry for 48 hours, followed by home treatments for the rest of the week. After the first treatment I immediately screwed up the bandage after my attempt at keeping it dry while I showered (by wrapping my foot/ankle in a food storage bag secured with ponytail holder) failed miserably. This week I fared a bit better; by double bagging the foot/ankle, securing with electrical tape, and wrapping my foot in saran wrap as an extra preventative measure. Success!

But let me tell you, this hurts like a mother. I've been limping around pathetically all day. And then when people ask you why you're limping, what are you gonna tell them? That you have warts? Not only is that disgusting but it sounds like an assy excuse for limping around melodramatically.

Also: It's official. I have freak feet. My podiatrist said, of my horrible freak show monkey feet, that I have the "longest skinniest feet he's ever seen." Now that one thing coming from a regular person, but this guy is a foot doctor. He does nothing but look at feet all day, and mine are so much something of a spectacle that he deems it worthy of comment. Shoot me now.

* Sorry no image for this blog. But here's some advice. Should you ever, for whatever reason, decide to do a yahoo image search for "wart," (and I don't recommend this in the first place) whatever you do DON'T do it on a full stomach of cottage cheese. Now please excuse me while I hurl.

EDITED**** 10/12 By popular demand, a photo of the monkey freak feet. Yes these are my real feet. And no, I'm not showing you a picture of the wart, because, gross. But you can see the band-aid covering the small bumpy wart. Bon appetit!


aejr said...

i have really narrow feet too. i don't get comments from doctors, but shoe salespeople. hence why i always hit up payless instead of a real shoestore.

hopefully, at the end of this ridiculously long stretch, your warties will be gone and it will all be worth it!

Meechity said...

I want a picture of your feet! They can't be THAT bad. I wear a size 11. And my toes have big long toe hairs.

I had a plantar wart on the heel of my right foot. I got that generic wart-be-gone drippy bottle shit in CVS, and some duct tape. Every night I dripped some wart juice on the ugly thing and put a piece of duct tape directly on my foot, around my heel (found this ridiculous but helpful tip online). I wore the tape through the day and changed it when I showered. This wart, after deviling me for almost a year, cleared up in 2 months. And it cost me 5 fuckin' bucks.

Let me try for the gross-out gold award. For a while when the wart was first receding, I got it in my mind to play around with it. I would try to pry the flesh apart and see how deep the wart actually went. Funny how it looks like cauliflower stalks, right? Well, that backfired, when the whole damn thing split open to about half an inch into my footmeats, and the wart acid seeped into the crack and felt like I grew an eye in my foot and got ammonia in the eye. Worse still, I had nightmares for a week about how the inside of my foot looked like raw chicken.

I'm going to go barf now.

aejr said...

i wasn't going to tell my foot story, but now that meech did, I feel like I can douse you in my grossness.

When I was six, right around the time I developed severe allergies AND coke-bottle glasses, I came down with FUNGUS FEET. The bottoms of my feet were hard and crusty, scaly and white, looking like someone poured glue over the bottoms. They cracked and bled and hurt so bad. They stayed like that, no lie, until I was about fourteen, fifteen, right around the time I lost my virginity. I always thought that was really weird, especially since I showed the exboyfriend my feet in the months before.

Ironically around this same time, my right eye was responding awfully to my contacts (due to my allergies). It would only open halfway and leak snot all day long.

I could keep going. But I think that's enough for now.

litelysalted said...

You guys are totally the best blog commenters ever! And as long as we're being gross, here is an update: I took off the bandages yesterday and my pinky toe looks like it's rotten. And it feels like it's going to fall off. I don't know if this is part of the "medical process."

Ooooh! Bonus! The word verification code is "pz pus." Even blogger knows how disgusting we are.

Meechity said...

Dear Miss Monkeyfeet:

What the hell is so weird about your feet??