Monday, November 06, 2006

Lifetime Movie Review: No One Would Tell

No One Would Tell (1996) is the not so touching story of a frumpy, spineless 16 year old girl (Candace Cameron) who gets routinely abused and eventually murdered by her popular senior wrestler psychotic boyfriend (Fred Savage). With both young actors "riding high" off of their respective television series, it's hard to fathom why this little gem didn't skyrocket them both into super-stardom.

No wait, it's actually probably because no one wants to see Kevin Arnold beat the shit out of DJ Tanner. Well, no one besides me and Mr. Litelysalted, anyway. And probably many of my readers... And most college kids. And snarky people in general. Actually it was a pretty awesome movie, as far as Lifetime movies go. But pretty shitty as far as serious movies about domestic abuse go. Of course it was! As any movie airing on Lifetime you can pretty much assume is a trainwreck.

The thing I love about Lifetime movies is that 90% of the movies fall into two categories: Women trying to steal other women's lives/families and Husbands/boyfriends/Mysterious Handsome Strangers with "sinister" secrets and/or dark pasts. Another guarantee is that 90% of Lifetime movies feature the following words in their titles: Fatal, Passion, Secret(s), Deadly, Affair, Obsession, Stranger, Dangerous, Kiss, Crime, Killer, Mother('s), Night, Stolen, and Silence. This stuff is like catnip to women, myself included.

Note: I'd like to thank Candace Cameron-Bure's website for providing me with the above photo. You think most actresses would want to curl up and die before admitting to appearing in this movie... And she not only proudly features it on her site, but includes an accompanying photo gallery. Kudos to you, Mrs. Bure, for knowing no shame!


April said...

Hey Lady,
I totally agree with you about those Lifetime movies. You forgot to mention that most of them star either Valerie Bertinelli, Tori Spelling, or that chick from Life Goes On.

aejr said...

you forgot tracey gold!!! remember the time you and i were talking about the tracey gold lifetime movie, and we thought we were talking about the same one for like twenty minutes, and then realized there were TWO tracey gold movies where she tries to steal another woman's family??? i hope this djtanner one is on netflix. you should bring it over the night of the reunion! we can watch it when we get back!!!!