Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Secret Santa

The following is an actual secret santa list from the company I used to work for, (thanks to one of my "moles" still on the inside), proceeded by the ensuing chain email discussion with myself, said mole, and another unidentified ex-employee. Enjoy!

BF: This is completely, 100% real. The brainpower at this company is mindblowing!

AM: What exactly is it?

BF: One of the artists’ lists for what somebody can get him for secret santa.

LS: Ohhh!!! I didn't understand. I thought it was a scrap of paper that accidentally got digitized...

AM: I hope “bowels” is actually bowls~ They should also ask for new crayons—the fat kind.

BF: I can only assume that it’s ‘bowls’. That kid is such a retard.

AM: I hope he gets his new bowels!!

LS: You guys are making me crack up so bad... For real. They must think I'm crying over here.

LS: Was he actually educated in graphic design or were they just shorthanded one day and sat one of the janitors in front of a computer?

BF: I have no clue what his background is, or who hired him, or if he filled out his application with crayon. But he was hired as an artist and has worked here for a while...

AM: Well, its not unreasonable to ask for new bowels at Christmastime but you might prioritize them over chopsticks if such is the case….

BF: We’re constantly sending that kid’s reject notes to each other because it’s worse than what India sends back. ____ picked that out and he couldn’t even breathe...

LS: I can barely breathe now! He's got to be Joe Simmons'* illegitimate offspring.

AM: Ahaaaaaaaaaaaa I laughed out loud at that. I’m irritating the people around me :D

* Joe Simmons was a creepy, old retarded employee we all used to work with, who would hit on all the 20-something girls and could not handle the most simple of work-related tasks or brain functions. He was originally a Yellowbook employee (whom our company was contracted to) and was unceremoniously dumped on us, where he was then routinely demoted until I think he actually ceased to exist.


Zanna said...

I laughed so hard at first and now I'm thinking it's kind of sad. I don't know why. Probably because I'm thinking of a slow person who wants to eat out of his new bowl with fancy chopsticks while listening to "the wheels on the bus go round and round" on the new cd he just burned.

I'm going to hell and I'm taking YOU with me!

litelysalted said...

I made the mistake of eating my toaster-oven grilled cheese while reading this comment. Today is the official day of spitting out whatever I'm eating/drinking and having my coworkers think I'm insane.

BF said...

FYI: Said creepy, old, retarded employee is, in fact, still working here. But as suggested, he has been demoted to the point where there may as well be a semi-competent monkey doing his job. A monkey would also make me feel less uncomfortable. And make me laugh. Because monkeys are funny.

Walrus Gumboot said...

Maybe HE did mean 'bowels'... with entrails? :)

litelysalted said...

I'll tell you something, Wally... It wouldn't be the first time I've suspected someone at that place of being a serial killer.

aejr said...

who's got a mean spot for janitors? aren't they all like the clever shroom-eyed wizard janitor in the breakfast club???

Walrus Gumboot said...

Truthfully, I was a custodian for 10 years at an elementary school and a high school!

Heh! Heh! Candy little girl?