Monday, March 19, 2007

Happily Cohabiting.

Shhh.... Wanna know a secret? It's a little known fact, unbeknownst to many of my readers, that Mr. Salted and I are not exactly Mr. and Mrs. Salted in a "legally binding, holy matrimony" kind of way. For the purposes of this blog, I refer to him as Mr. Salted, just because it's easier than, say... "Man with whom with I share a mortgage and two dogs."

The fact of it is, we've got nothing against marriage. I've even got an antique engagement ring that we bought off of ebay for a couple hundred bucks. But it wasn't so much about us wanting to "seal our commitment" than the fact that I like sparkly old things.

So I guess if I had to actually pinpoint the exact reasons why we're not married, it's mostly because we're kind of lazy, pretty immature, and don't like being bothered or hassled in any way, shape or form. Oh and it doesn't help that my family is pretty much crazy. So one thing I tell people sometimes, is that if we do decide to get hitched, it will be far, far away from my anyone in my family. So right there that kind of rules out a wedding... You know, without hurting any one's feelings anyway.

Case in point: My sister (not crazy) got married this past summer. A visit to the parents' house after the wedding photos came back yielded a frightening discovery. Fourteen framed wedding photos I counted. What's that you say? That's not so bad? No, my friends... Sadly, that was JUST IN THE LIVING ROOM! When questioned as to why there were a maniacal and obscene amount of wedding photographs covering every conceivable surface and inch of wall space in their home, my mom answered with, "Well, there were just so many good ones!" I should note that my mother's interpretation of a "good" photograph can mean anything from a smaller version of a larger photo that my father scanned and printed out himself, to a candid shot with other people in the background that she blacked out with a magic marker.

Desire to avoid a creepy matrimonial shrine notwithstanding, we're pretty content as things stand. The only thing I could do without are the constant queries about my (lack of) marital status by everyone from family friends and relatives to gym acquaintances to doctors. Why, in this day and age, people have such a difficult time grasping the concept of "happily unmarried" is beyond me, while many couples flippantly take their vows. But rather than try to begin to dissect the ethics and standards society places upon marriage nowadays, let me just sum it up with this, "No, we ain't married, we got no plans of gettin' married, now get the hell up out our bidness!"


cowgir-L said...

Come on... The only reason you are waiting is so I have time to become ordained and write a touching dramedy depicting the funny ups and downs of your relationship which I will then perform as a solo act in front of everyone who gives a hoot about either you or Mr Salty on your big day. There will be costume changes instead of you reciting vows to each other. The grand finale will be placing the antique ring on my finger and me running away with the bling. (You know I collect shiny things like a crow.) Everyone will laugh at how my legs flail about when I run and they will think it is part of the dramedy. Before anyone realizes, you will have snuck away like the von Trapps. Off to safety but totally legally hitched. There will be people taking pictures of everything but you in your absence just to fill their cameras. Your mother's shrine will then be composed of stick figure drawings that she's cut and pasted your heads onto and large watercolors inspired by all the “good” shots of your flower centerpieces she took. She will also have a printout of your blog skewering the dramedy and thanking me for aiding your getaway. You will return the favor when I marry the karoke machine supplyman 3 yrs later. I’ll of course, wait for you to be ordained.

litelysalted said...


not crazy sister said...

Even I get hassled about you not being married. "So is your sister married now? No?? Why not?" Ugh, I don't know! Because she doesn't want to be! You could at least get married for MY benefit, you selfish bitch!!

Joey O. said...

I always root for people to become Common Law married...I'm always fascinated by that.

litelysalted said...

Easy there, sis... Don't make me take away the "not" !

And, another vote for Common Law!

MEECH! said...

Babies? Babies?? And where are your BABIES?!?!

*foams at mouth

Do people bug you about reproducing?

litelysalted said...

Don't even get me started about babies. Close friends and family generally know better... I think my parents knew right out of the starting gate that I wasn't destined to be a mother.

Sp pretty much it's mostly people who barely know me (as in people of whom it's none of their fucking business) who mostly prod me about that.