Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Jabba the Hut Gives Birth to Bouncing Baby Jesus? Or Possibly the Hamburglar.

For your daily dose of "America: Raising the Bar For Global Obesity" News , a 400 pound California woman has given birth to a baby boy a mere 48 hours after discovering that she was pregnant in the first place... GAH!!!!


She appears to be rather proud of herself, don't you think? And why not! She's just gained herself record-book celebrity status by being a revolting, gluttonous, human blob! Kudos! For me, the most surprising part of this story is that allegedly she had a baby inside her because she actually had sex in the first place, rather than just mistaking a baby for a gigantic burrito and accidentally eating it.

"Barnum and her fiance, Walter Scott Edwards II, said they had no hopes of having any children and had instead spent money on adopting four dogs."

Spent money on adopting dogs? Yeaaaah.... "Adopting." DEFINITELY not "Raising For Consumption." I guess it's pretty much confirmed they haven't been "spending their money" on dentists or gym memberships, at any rate.


JEff said...

Her last name is Barnum? Too funny. I guess this would be great publicity for the side show she works at.

And feeding dogs to be fit for grillin' costs a lot of moolaa.

arrrrrrrr said...

where's the picture of her fiancee????

MEECH! said...

I was totally going to say what Jeff said!! AAAAhahahaHAHAHAAA!!! HAHA!!

litelysalted said...

There were so many bizarre and disgusting facets to this story, that it totally bypassed my sensors on the first run that her name was Barnum.

The only thing that could make this story more absurd is if Larry Birkhead threw his hat in.

Anonymous said...

What is worse...the fact that she is 400lbs and didn't know she was pregnant until 48 hours before giving birth or you making fun of her just because she is overweight?

Fine be upset with her because she didn't know she was pregnant but no need to be a horrible person yourself and calling her jabba the hut -_-

litelysalted said...

Anonymous- You clearly are new to this site because I make fun of a lot of people. However I would never make fun of somebody "just for being overweight." This woman is NOT overweight, she is morbidly obese.

She should be seeking help for a very serious (and most likely self inflicted) medical condition, not proudly beaming for the cameras like she's a miracle of nature. And yes that does outrage me, both from the standpoint of personal and media responsibility.

Maaaaybe my post was excessively insensitive, but you have to keep in mind that this is satire. Admittedly, calling an obese person "Jabba the Hut" is not the most brilliant witticism this site has ever churned out, but cut me a break... Even genuises have their off days. ;)

B said...

Anonymous - What's more disgusting: the state of this woman's life and health, or the fact that you get offended that someone doesn't treat her with kid gloves? This 'So What?' attitude adopted by so many Americans is the reason why we see so many morbidly obese people every day and the reason that countries abroad examine us with scorn. That fact that stories like this even grace our news is NOT ok.

It's true that name calling won't bring about the end to this epidemic, but these thoughts happen to be the opinion of the person who writes this blog, and her opinions are the reason that people read this every day. And maybe if more people expressed their actual opinions to Ms. Barnum, she wouldn't be living the life she is today.

couscouscaboose said...

Not to mention the fact that if she stays at 400 pounds for long she's not going to be around for the little baby she just brought into the world ... and I think THAT'S pretty horrible.

So I support you, litelysalted, and thought the post was very funny.

Anonymous said...

Don't you think this woman has enough problems?

How is this constructive?:

For me, the most surprising part of this story is that allegedly she had a baby inside her because she actually had sex in the first place, rather than just mistaking a baby for a gigantic burrito and accidentally eating it.

litelysalted said...

anonymous- I never said it was supposed to be constructive although I do believe I mentioned it was intended as satire. Sorry, I don't have time to be coddling the feelings of society's delinquents because I'm too busy (among other things) maintaining a blog that's funny and people enjoy reading.

You want to give this woman some constructive, feel good advice? To quote the audience of one of my favorite pieces of Trash TV, "GO TO OPRAH!"

MEECH! said...

Tidbits of Amazement:
How can a person be so grossly ignorant of his or her health to have not been aware of a nearly full-term pregnancy? How can a human being mistake the kicks of her unborn child as indigestion, cramps, or whatever else? How is it healthy NOT to raise alarms? It's a miracle that child didn't have severe health issues upon his exit.

If you want to get down to it, by choosing to engage in sex in the first place, women have a certain moral responsibility to take care of their bodies. If not for the miraculously healthy birth, how many, especially the more conservative, would be biting at this woman's neck for neglecting her unborn child by remaining in her own neglected bodily state?

It is a different situation if remaining obese was causing possible harm to her alone, and no one else - like, oh I don't know, a baby growing in her womb? I'm not for jeering at someone's misfortunes; this is not misfortune. This is gross irresponsibility, and a sad, sickening case of it.

Anonymous said...

WOW! She should have the child taken into custody. How do you not know you're pregnant!! I 've been thru 3 prenancies with my wife and have heard about the complication numerious times. It's amazing that she is permitted to keep the child. I also would like to say that the publishers comments may not have been PC, but I'm tired of reading articles that hold back punches to satisfy the feelings of tree-huggers who feel the world would be perfect if they inject their two cents at every turn. Kudos to the publisher for having the guts to say that this isn't right, and this lady has bigger concerns then raising a child she didn't even know existed!!

zer0do0m said...

arrrrrrrr said...

where's the picture of her fiancee????

maybe she ate him..O_o

Anonymous said...

maybe she ate him HAHAHAHA

i dont know what's funnier..
this post ..

or the comments some people have posted !!!

hahahaha oohh my sides are hurting from larfing sooo hard..

thanks all :)

Anonymous said...

Making fun of people and tearing them apart doesn't build them up to be the best they can be.

So oddly, some are disgusted with a morbidly obese woman and I'm disgusted with the attitudes in people that create morbidly obese people. The only difference between the woman in the picture and the writer of this that on the inside the writer looks just like Jaba the Hut. There is no inner beauty there. And the ugliness the writer and her kind spew in the world is reflected by all the fault you find in's like looking at your inner self and how your ugliness destroys the lives of others.

The woman in the picture isn't proud of herself for being so obese she didn't notice she was pregnant, she's overjoyed with the birth of her baby like most mothers are after they bring a child into this world. This woman isn't any worse of a parent because of the way she looks than any of those who would make fun of her and further destroy her like grade school bullies.

Anonymous said...

who would fuck that!

merrypranxter said...

lmao. Wow. You know you need to lose a few pounds when someone types "Jabba The Hut" into google image search and YOUR picture shows up! lol, poor woman. Oh well though, as many have said she put herself into this situation. Jesus how much do you actually have to eat to get that fat, anyways?

Oh, and to the anonymous poster sticking up for her - get over it and grow some thicker skin.. .or here is an idea- quit reading it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, including the blogger, and I for one agree with her and found it HILARIOUS! It's nice to finally hear someone say what they're actually thinking as opposed to tiptoeing around the issue just to avoid offending anyone. When you voice your opinions someone will inevitably disagree and/or get offended. In this case that someone is you. Get over it.

Oh and I'm adding this blog to my bookmarks. Glad I stumbled on it!

LauDESU said...

If you put more food in than comes out, this is what happens. To all of you who are defending this woman, she is a HORRIBLE PERSON for letting herself get this fat. Think about all the poor people around her that need to take care of her. Seriously, is she in a hospital in this photo? Probably not because they wouldn't have been able to get her out of the front door..... If she is, it probably took dozens of people's help to get her there. I sure as hell wouldn't give up my day to help a woman that doesn't even try to take care of herself. WAKE-UP AMERICA!

Anonymous said...

I hope everyone who left a hateful comment has the same thing happen to them. Hopefully they will have a child that is morbidly obese and experience the pain of their kid getting picked on by mean assholes like themselves.

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Anonymous said...

I would like to point out that it is not as uncommon as people think to be pregnant and not know it. There is a show about it... plus I have heard quite a few stories. I can also say that from personal experience...I am a MORBIDLY OBESE (there...I said it...happy?) woman..I weigh about as much as she does...I am in my mid 20's and considered very healthy...incredibly considering my weight. While I would never say my weight is healthy (about as far from it as possible) I do try to take care of myself and have spent a life long battle attempting to lose weight.

I also happen to be pregnant (and have had a LOT of sex even at my weight... actually I can honestly say I am pretty good in bed.) At this point in my life I have been with one man for 5 years. I have PCOS- (Polycystic ovarian syndrome) look it up...quite often heavy woman have it...makes it VERY easy to gain weight and VERY hard to lose it. I have also been on birth control pills for 5 years...but I messed them up a bit...however with the amount of time ive been on them plus having pcos it shouldnt have been so easy to get pregnant.
But somehow I did...however I would never have known it if I wasnt on the pill. I have little or no symptoms..anything I do have could have other contributing factors. Woman with Pcos often have irregular periods... sometimes only getting them once or twice a year...

Now a this point I am only 4 months pregnant..I feel completely normal, havent gained morning sickness...etc. My of my prenatal care to date has been perfect...hopefully this will remain the case...I am trying very hard to take care of my unborn child.

I also would like to mention that I have a 2 year old boy who I adopted from a friend when she could no longer care for him. He is very active and I am able to keep up with him.... which im sure goes against what you believe about woman of my weight. I AGREE that I am lucky to be as healthy as I am...and I am constantly woking to make myself healthier.

You have no idea what its like to be a obese woman struggling with her weight....its not easy...its not a simple solution...its YEARS of therapy, diets, nutritionist, fat camps, weight loss surgeries, special doctors, etc...and it will always remain a battle. Would you make fun of a person with cancer? Or AIDS? Are you gonna turn and make fun of me now? Feel free...thats your right...its your blog... But remember that no matter how heavy a person is..we are people...and deserve to be treated as such. I wish this woman and her child only the best of luck!

Anonymous said...

by the way, I know the fiancé...I dated him without knowing he had "jabba" who is now his ex girlfriend, living in his house and still supporting her. His poor little boy is cross eyed. Walter the father, my boyfriend of a short time, is actually still married legally to his first wife; he had a child with "Jabba" while still married...he informed me he is not even legally separated because he needs to stay on her medical insurance. He is tall and thin but, according to him, prefers really big women "because they jiggle and bounce during sex and it turns me on." So, to sum up, the father of the baby is married, living with the mother of his child whom he got pregnant while married to someone else and was dating and having sex with me. By the way April Barnum is still fat and disgusting and does not work, drive and gets $500 a month from her father (at 47), gets over $600 a month in foodstamps and is being supported by her ex boyfriend...go figure. By the way, I am no longer dating him.