Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Ask Ms. Salty

For awhile now I've been mulling around the idea of starting an advice column on this site, and have even gotten several requests to that effect. So now, especially in that my areas of expertise such as reality tv and celebrity fashion are increasingly being farmed out to my sister sites -- it seems like now is as good a time as ever. Depending on how popular this feature is, I may try to incorporate it once a week, or as sporadically as the questions roll in. And, of course you are free to remain anonymous! Send your requests to litelysalted@yahoo.com.

And now, on with my first set of questions!

Dear Ms. Salty,

So, I had a terrible interview the other day. Beyond humiliating. I want to write to the guy and tell him I've been offered employment elsewhere (I haven't) and tell him off; my question is, should I do this? I figured the queen of feisty-ness and snark would have the answer. I'm a big ol' pussy, so I'm sitting here thinking of all of the consequences and other general reasons I shouldn't do it (number one being that he doesn't deserve any more of my time...though if I don't write it, I'm just going to stew over it). He's a total douche, and I think he should be told as much. If I wasn't wearing heels after a summer of flip flops, I would've gotten up and walked out of the interview, but I was afraid I'd make this bold statement (even bolder for me!), and then walk out in sitcom slow-motion. Just picture that uncomfortable and awkward silence. Crickets.

-- Should Have Gone with Casual Footwear

Dear Footwear,

It's hard for me to draft an exact response to a humiliating interview without knowing the extenuating circumstances -- such as what happened during the interview to make the guy act like such a dick in the first place? Or was he just inherently a douchenozzle?

Regardless, if you know you can get away with it without burning any bridges within professional networks, I would definitely hand this guy his ass on a platter with a side of collard greens. Just think, it's only email! You can't turn around and trip over a trash can, or stutter, or do any of those unfortunate things that is the quandary of face to face verbal bitchsmacking. What's the worst that can happen? The most likely route is that you probably won't hear anything back because of required professionalism (or maybe not?) on his end, or perhaps just a short and sweet "thank you for your feedback" note. Go for it sista, I think you'll be amazed at how wonderful and empowering it can feel to eviscerate someone via email.

Dear Ms. Salty,

Sometimes I go to school dressed in my Superman outfit, and all the jocks make fun of me and call me names like "retard" and "queer bait" and push me on the floor when all I'm trying to do is show off my sweet Superman moves. What am I doing wrong?

-- TK

Dear TK,

Don't let anyone stop you from being your badass, flamboyant superhero self. Next time the jocks pick on you, trying incapacitating them with a move I like to call the "Groin Kick of Justice" -- however it's important to remember after employing the the "Groin Kick of Justice," that once a jock recovers, he's going to be ten times as pissed as he was when he was tormenting you in the first place. Best to spend the rest of the day squatting on a toilet seat with the door locked in the girls bathroom.


Vermillion said...

Dear Ms. Salted,

I have this friend I met online. She is very nice and quite adorable, especially when she put on her Microsoft Paint moustache.

Thing is, she has this terrible habit of inflicting horrendous video clips on people she says she cares about. Many have tried to convince her to stop, but she simply won't do it.

I really don't want her to be chased out of town by an angry mob with pitchforks and torches. How would you convince her it simply isn't worth it?

P.S. TK is gonna get you....

litelysalted said...

TK is gonna get you....

Heh... I'm kinda counting on it.

TK said...

Who, me?

Oh no. Goodness, not me.

Not when you're expecting it.

Some day. Some day in the future.

Some day when you're not looking.

Spook Lane, right?


Rozie said...

I will now spend the rest of my week wrestling with all my burning questions... wondering which one to submit to the Lady of Salt.

Alex the Odd said...

Superb idea Ms Salty! I too will be wracking my brains for quandrys to submit to you.

Footwear said...

Ms. Salty,

I just wanted to let you know that I wrote to the aforementioned douchebag, and while I will probably not get a response, it was inspiring nonetheless. When I read my response to the husband, he gave me a high-five. Score.

Also, I wanted to let you know that you're comment on eviscerating individuals must've struck a cord with me, because I just had a confrontation with a meddlesome woman in the drug store, and I actually had a snappy comeback! Empowering indeed!

Footwear said...

ahh, i meant "your" instead of "you're!" i think i'm still reeling from the confrontation.

litelysalted said...

Footwear -- I'm so proud of you right now, I feel like a momma bird. Confrontations in the drug store? Sweet Jesus she's flying on her own!

I called a guy at the gym a "jackass" today because he accidentally butted in front of me in line for the water fountain. All in a day's work for us tough empowered broads!

BarbadoSlim said...

I must respectfully disagree, at the risk of seeming "insensitive" or "un-pc", I think Footwear's interviewer would have probably been less of a douche if she had shown some breast and maybe a little thigh. That's why I only interview women wearing tube tops and Daisy Duke's.

Vermillion said...

Hey, how come you haven't answered my query, huh?

litelysalted said...

Oops, sorry Vermillion!

To answer your question, it sounds like this friend of yours goes through life with two middle fingers raised in the air and a smirk on her face. It's probably nothing short of a miracle that she hasn't had her ass kicked ten times to Sunday by now. But to answer your question, I fear that she may be a lost cause. The crazy ones usually are.

Oh, and slim? You really oughta start an advice column of your own. And cater only to ladies. And the answer to every question would be, "Make sweet, sweet love to Barbado Slim."

MEECH! said...

Charge a Paypal dollar for your advice.

100 pennies for Salty Thoughts.