Monday, October 01, 2007

Johnny Damon: Master of Wordsmithery

During the 2004 baseball season, I was one of legions under the thrall of one Mr. Johnny Damon. I loved him. Loved! I loved the commercials where he danced around in his underwear. I don't even remember what they were advertising. Was it underwear? If so, kudos! Going through my closet the other day, I came across my homemade ebay-purchased WWJDD T-shirt. It was awesome. I wore it to work on casual day during the '04 ALCS playoffs. I felt like the coolest kid in school.

And so, I guess it goes without saying that my former Johnny Damon obsession is not unlike my ill-fated "Chumbawamba Liking" phase of '98. (C'mon! "Tubthumper" was a damn catchy song -- to say otherwise would be a bold faced lie.) But, yeah. There was that whole embarrassing Queer Eye debacle, and then some other cheesy crap followed by the inevitable move to the Yankees at which point he became officially Dead To Me. And then everyone just stopped caring about Johnny Damon altogether. But apparently, it didn't dissuade him from writing the token ghostwritten autobiography -- a fact my sister brought to my attention over copious amounts of wine this weekend. You see, she works for a wholesale indie bookstore, where Damon's Idiot: Beating "The Curse" and Enjoying the Game of Life is a new arrival. And by "new arrival" of course I mean is that the publisher unloaded a couple million of them for 3 cents a pop and her bookstore is now selling them for 3 bucks.

If the user reviews on Amazon are any indication, it's got to be chock full of unintentional comedy. But I'll just settle for the reviews. Take this one, for example:

"Amazing, Fun, and Exciting"
Anonymous 7th grade book reader.

This book is amazing. The book Idiot is an awesome biography about Johnny Damon's life. When he was a kid, teenager, life in the Minors, as an adult, and life in the majors.

As a kid he played baseball with friends and in a league. As a teen he played football, and as a senior in high school he was on an all-star team in baseball. In the minors he got to shake hands with Bill Clinton. The majors were tough starting with the A's. He hit his head, and got a concussion. When he got to be on the Red Sox every time they would try to get players the Yankee's got the player first. To find out more about Johnny Damon's life read the book.

Johnny Damon did not use any special writing. His language is not appropriate for people under 12 years old.

I feel that this book is a masterpiece. I was surprised, because he used sware words a lot.

To read this book you cannot stop in the middle of a chapter. You also cannot stop and not read the book for a few weeks.

Any Red Sox fan would like this book. You still should be at least 12 years of age.

This book is different from other genres because it is not just a book about baseball.
The Boy Who Saved Baseball a fiction book, that is completely fake. This is why Idiot is so amazing.

Most biographies go on and on about the same subject, while this one is fun and exciting.

This author is different than any other author, because in
Holes, by Louis Sachar the book does not push the limits. In Idiot they push the limits.

The story is set from Johnny Damon's childhood through almost present day, and is set from coast to coast.

Johnny Damon is a great baseball player, and has met important people, and other great baseball players. Johnny Damon did many great things in this book. He pushes limits. He also keeps your attention. Find out more real great things about the book, by reading it.

The book Idiot is a great book and you should read about the many experiences in his life.

Outstanding. It's like they're related or something. Anybody want a copy? I can get you one for 3 bucks -- minus a 20 percent employee discount -- plus shipping from 19522. Can you really afford not to buy one? Your coffee table will thank you.


sme said...

I get the feeling that reading the reviews is so much more entertaining than reading the actual book.

I especially like that someone thinks that 12 years old is the correct cut-off for what I imagine to be some serious foul language.

Beckylooo said...

This is my favorite part: "Find out more real great things about the book, by reading it."

Something about the placement of that comma cracks me the fuck up.

Man, obviously "No Child Left Behind" has been a rousing success.

aejr said...

this came out right after they won the world series. it's not new at all. i read bits and pieces of it, while waiting for the train at the south station bookstore, back in 05. the highlights? probably the part that i remember best is how damon talks about how "totally awesome" it was when him and his girlfriend threw pumpkins off the roof of the commonwealth hotel onto kenmore square as a means of breaking the curse.