Tuesday, October 02, 2007

See You In Hell, Pier 1 Gift Card

About a year and a half ago, Mr. Salty and I wandered into a Pier 1 store and saw the most perfect white deco style couch. At the time I was enrolled in Discover Card's cash back bonus program, in which I could put said bonus towards vendor gift cards such as Pier 1 -- with the incentive to use $40 reward money for a $50 card and so on. And so, I ordered a $50 card to use towards the purchase of the couch. However, as luck would have it -- we ended up finding an online coupon to the tune of $50, which couldn't be used in conjunction with any other offers or deals, including the gift card. So we thanked our good luck and saved it for another purchase.

That was a year and a half ago. In the past year and a half, I have learned that our stylish couch with the clean lines and nice fabric was a complete and utter fucking anomaly -- because Pier 1 is the shittiest retail store in the history of home decor. No less than 10 times have I wandered into that store -- at first optimistically; later determinedly -- to spend these fifty motherfucking American dollars. And every goddamn time I leave empty handed. Why? Because I have no place in my life for mosaic candle holders, faux tribal artwork, Buddha statues, or lacquered wicker anything. And every damn time I fail at my mission to unload the contents of the gift card I leave the store in a homicidal rage after having my senses assaulted with earth tones and inoffensive home themed adult contemporary music like Crosby, Stills & Nash's "Our House" that I want to put my fucking fist through a fucking wall.

Today was no different. And not only could I not find a single pillow in their huge arsenal of throw pillows to put on my new daybed -- but they were in the process of unloading their tacky Christmas decorations to add insult to injury. Yes, Christmas decorations -- because why not? It's October 2nd, already. But this time I've had it -- if ebay can't make this thing go away, I'm going to chalk it up at a loss and just give this damn monkey's paw away to the next hapless and unfortunate soul.

19 comments:

TK said...

Wow. A lot of really nice stuff in our house came from Pier One. Thanks for basically calling us tasteless jerks.

Guess we're not inviting you over.

litelysalted said...

Now wait a dang minute tk -- being it that you are from the continent of Africa, shouldn't you be at least somewhat offended by cheap African art knockoffs?

I stand by my vitriol!

TK said...

Listen, smartass. Not everything they sell has an African motif to it. There's some (in my wife's and my opinion) really nice stuff there, and it's pretty affordable. I'm sorry that we can't afford to go to "nicer" stores.

Whatever. It's fine if it's not your thing. I just didn't particularly like the tone of the post, nor do I like the insinuation that we're somehow "tacky."

litelysalted said...

tk!!!

Seriously, man -- okay, my comment was a joke, and it wasn't my intention to put anyone down with my post. Nowhere did I say, "You're a tacky loser if you shop at Pier 1." True, it's not my thing -- and I'm stuck with a gift card and find it ridiculously frustrating not to be able to spend it because I can't find anything I like. My taste just happens to lean more modern/pop art. So, I shop at IKEA all the time, in all it's crap-ass, particle board glory. Take your best shot, I don't mind!

Now can we stop this silly bickering? I'm sure you and the missus have a lovely home.

MEECH! said...

I too have walked into Pier 1 and left empty-handed because I couldn't find anything to match my rustic decor. So much STUFF... and nothing I liked!!!!! ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know you meant no real-life offense. I have this thing I do: I piss real-life people off when I don't mean to. Being a vulgar cynic, I just like to pack as many nasty words as I can into a tidy space. But that's just me. I hope you have made amends :)

TK said...

Gotcha.

TK said...

By the way, I must confess, that was easier than I thought it would be.

I'd say that evens us up for the "Ask Ms. Salty" bit. Wouldn't you?

litelysalted said...

Well played, you glorious bastard.

Of course you know -- *glove slap* -- this means war?

TK said...

*chuckle*

So, it's war then, is it?

I mean, Pier 1? That shit is hideous!

Chez said...

The wife and I used to have a set of Pier One bookshelves.

Notice I said "used to."

Rozie said...

I once acquired a $100 gift card to Pier 1, and was all excited, of course... until I tried to spend it. Everything thing in there that I might possibly be interested in three time more expensive than it should be. Everything else is ridiculous.

So, my hundred? Oh, yeah, that's right. I have the best collection of christmas wrapping paper EVER.

Beckylooo said...

I like their fountains.

girl with curious hair said...

I think you should make up with TK by sending him a gift. Maybe a $50 gift certificate to a store he likes, where he can find cool things that match his sense of style.

Hey, look at me being all helpful!

litelysalted said...

Ooooh, good point, gwch! Or maybe I can just purchase him a gift, such as that giant head pictured above! If that doesn't send a clear message of "olive branch covered in fecal matter," I don't know what will!

TK said...

You send me that thing and I will beat you about the head and face with it.

Giddy said...

Went in there with my coworker, who loves their beers and wines. I think it was Pier 31... ? Just an idea.

KorrMuraan said...

Agreed, Pier1 has the most complete collection of tacky junk I've ever come across. It's a glorifed garage sale.

Anonymous said...

light salted your a moron, do you think a store should keep a couch for 1 1/2 years while you freaking clip coupons and wait for your discover card reimbusements. If Pier 1 didn't have fresh new things every time you visited you would complain too. Maybe you should clip your coupons and buy WalMart.com furniture. If a gift card angers you so much throw it away. It is obviously not worth your negative energy spent on it.

Lora said...

I'm with you 100%. That place blows. I received an 80 dollars gift card from my cunt of a mother in law, and I'm pretty sure it was a punishment. When I am not dry heaving from the over scented nastathon that is wafting everywhere, I am having a seizure trying to find anything that doesn't look like a glorified piece of shit. Ohhh, but it is made of bamboo they say, so it must be good. If you decorated your house with everything from pier one, it would look like a retarded person lived there, because nothing would go together, and look cheap as shit. Pier one furniture looks cute, whatever is not wicker that is, but it is only good as long as you don't use it, because the first time you it, it falls apart. There is so much tacky,cliche shit in that store, you should only be able to shop there if you are a slutty college student, who is into "themes" such as "I'm pretending to appreciate African culture" and "ooh look at me, I can't pick a fucking color scheme" or my favorite "look how many different textures and cheap material I can put into my home to look hip." The only way I can recover from that shit hole, is rubbing my face on a armoire from Pottery Barn. Oh, I'm sorry, do you shop there and like it? Well heads up, your house looks like shit, and you need to get a better job so you don't have to shop at the dollar store of home accessories.

Suck it Pier1!

Love always, Lora