Monday, December 03, 2007

Fa la la la lahhh! french vanilla!

One thing I love about the holidays is how advertisers really jack up those stupidity levels. It's like they save up all year, by just being moderately stupid -- and then pull out the big guns for the clusterfuck of rampant consumerism. However, it seems like every year there's always one standout holiday commercial that especially makes me want to put my fist through the TV, and this year the crown goes to Lowe's.

I couldn't find a clip of this anywhere, because for some reason the kids aren't in much of a hurry to upload Lowe's commercials to YouTube. But the premise is such: Doofy white male goes to Lowe's to buy his wife a Christmas gift. Okay, unless your wife is Rosie the Riveter, this is probably a bad idea right out of the gate. And because men are apparently so stupid they can't be trusted with the simplest task of finding their lifelong partner a suitable gift, hilarity ensues when Doof accosts an attractive blonde Lowe's employee to pose as his wife and help him pick something out. Being that it is Lowe's after all, he predictably picks out the usual assortment of tools and lawnmowers that his wife obviously wouldn't want, only to finally happen upon a rack of giftcards which gets a big smile and thumbs up from employee-wife.

This commercial is just so wrong on so many levels. First of all, giving someone a giftcard is usually a big helping of "I don't care enough to put thought into this gift" or "I don't know you well enough to find a satisfactory gift." Be that as it may, it's a perfectly acceptable thing to give almost anyone with the exception of your spouse. Second of all, if you're a big enough schmuck to give your wife a giftcard, I would hope to hell you could think of someplace better than a goddamn home improvement store. So Lowe's, my hat's off to you -- thanks for pushing the idiotic envelope.

And now -- and I say this without a trace of irony -- my all time favorite holiday commercial: French Vanilla Cool Whip. Don't miss the last 3 seconds, I promise, it's worth the wait.

25 comments:

Sean said...

Personally, I don't hate that one nearly as much as the other Lowe's commercial where the woman with the silly hairdo doesn't know what any of her desired Christmas decorations are called, and deems it necessary to play dummy-Charades with a very patient employee. If this woman truly doesn't know the English words for "wreath," "garland," and "giant inflatable snow globe," chances are she's clinically retarded and probably shouldn't be shopping without a chaperon and a drool rag. Her absurd mimicry supports my contention.

Dragulf said...

Why doesn't the hubby ask his wife what she wants? Nevermind, that makes sense.

The best commercial is the Tank + Mr. T one.

Anonymous said...

I am going to guess that the Cool Whip singers haven't a shred of dignity left after recording that jingle.

sme said...

Rosie the Riveter. HA!

Scarlett_Speaks said...

Wow, so I don't have tv anymore (I know, sad) so I had no idea this commercial was out. Not that I await commercial releases or anything, but Lowe's was actually using the exact same premise last year. Guy and Blonde Employee make the rounds of all the different store sections, Guy stops momentarily in the plumbing department because he's seriously considering a hot tub... oh yeah. Been done. So not only are they sad, but they're sad and uncreative.

Just thought I'd share.

malfunctiongirl said...

I drank too much holiday-themed coffee last year, was wired out of my mind, and sang that jingle on a friend's message machine. That shit haunted me all year long (as a ringtone, videos on friend's sites, spliced into an mp3).
So, yeah, I can't wait till that commercial plays 10x every hour - oi!

Skegg said...

I spent a year or so as a Head Cashier at Lowe's (also known as the whipping boy for every single customer, vendor, and employee of Lowe's HIW. Swear to God everything came back to us) and I'm sorry to say, those commercials aren't that ridiculous. I have stories that would shock and amaze about the stupidity of the average American.

girl with curious hair said...

I saw the Lowe's commercial and came away with so many questions: 'Has the man never heard of a jewelery store? Where was he raised? Is he married to a lumberjack? Is he just getting a gift card that she will have to spend on him?'

The commercial is perpetuating stupidity.

Marvo said...

What about that blonde Lowe's employee?

She should've led him to the power tools section, grabbed a drill, tell him to bend over, shove the drill up his ass, pull the trigger, and then tell him that he's screwed if he buys a gift for his wife here.

MeMyself said...

Skegg...

To be fair, do we know that the average American shops at Lowe's? If if can't be purchased online it probably isn't worth getting.

aejr said...

i crack up at any commercial with the word "dollop" in it. it would have been even better if they tried to rhyme it with wallop or something in the song.

litelysalted said...

Oooh... I am familiar with the other Lowe's commercials as well, but I was actually too embarrassed to even begin to describe the 'tard charades one.

And sadly, (though I do not consider myself the average American) I am all too familiar with the inside of a Lowe's store. Not exclusively, though. Mr. Salty and I just finished building a house, so we spent the better deal of two years scavenging from Lowe's The 'Depot and a local wholesale liquidator called "Heeby's."

Very nicely put, Marvo.

TWoP Fan said...

French Vanilla Cool Whip is NOT good. We tried it one year and it was awful. It tasted faker than regular Cool Whip. Really people, buy some whipping cream and set the mixer to whip it for 5 minutes. You'll never go back.

TyranThesaurus Rex said...

The greatest point of that commercial is how gritty his voice gets on the "Happy Hauuughlidays" This man clearly put everything he had into this jingle.

onthevirg said...

Come out and play! Tag, you're it.

kmcaruselle said...

Hehehe... this made my day.

Dianne said...

Frankly, I'm as girly as they get, and I would LOVE a gift card to Lowe's. Think of all the crafty stuff I could do with a nice scroll saw and some beautiful pieces of wood!

esteban said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Manny said...

I hope you can see this comment through the dust. Happy Kwanzaa!

Manny said...

I hope you can see this comment through the dust. Happy Kwanzaa!

Manny said...

Merry Christmas!

onthevirg said...

*Knock knock knock* This thing still on?

litelysalted said...

Ahhh, I know, I know! Soon, my pretties... Have patience with me!

onthevirg said...

<-- Running out of patience. Getting ready to start making demands.

Amuse me damnit!

Desi said...

HA.. anyone who has seen tht commercial that is in my circle of close Friends will now allow me to see it if it comes on. I get that stupid jingle stuck in my head.. and I am singing it for the rest of the day!!!!