Vacation-a go-go

Okay I have been putting off the inevitable. I know you're all dying out there to hear about my vacation. If only, my preciouses, I could gather you all up and pull out the slide projector. But alas, we'll have to do it this way instead.

The Mister and I arrived on Monday after a more-pleasant-than-you'd-expect 10 hour drive for 6 days and 5 nights of vacationey fun and relaxation. 1 kayak, 2 dogs, and 3 books. I only finished one book while I was there, and as much as I would like to say it was the Sarah Vowell or David Sedaris, it was instead an embarrassingly campy best seller by an author I am also too embarrassed to name.

The second day we encountered the Tuttles. I know their last name because it was on a placard on their dining table in the lodge, where our meals were served. Since I avoided conversation with them like the plague all week, I never did gather their first names. Literally, when I would be sitting on our deck reading the forementioned fluff novel, I would leave a dust cloud beating ass inside to avoid them when I'd see them coming by with their dog. They seemed like very nice Christian people, and I know this because of the loud and throaty grace Mr. Tuttle would say before every meal, (which reminded me of this Daily Show clip) and the rotation of Jesus T-Shirts he invariably wore. They even offered to loan us one of their kayaks, since we had only the one I bought for The Mister for his birthday last year. As only I can look suspiciously upon an act of kindness, I politely and noncommittally thanked them and hoped they never brought it up again. It might have been fun to use the extra kayak, but I knew we would be forfeiting a week of forced small talk laced with fake enthusiasm in exchange for it.

The lone cottage next to ours stood thankfully empty for almost the whole week. Thankfully not just because I'd prefer not to have neighbors, but mostly thankfully because Miss Sophie and Miss Ivy go berserk when they see people. On the fourth day a family moved in next to us. I tried to be open minded that maybe they weren't just obnoxious yuppies with spoiled brat kids, even when The Mister heard the one child bratting snotfully to his mother about the whereabouts of his ipod.

So it turned out my instincts were right about the obnoxiousness of the family, but they ended up providing more entertainment than annoyance. I nicknamed the two kids The Funboys, after a line from a Simpsons episode: "Get a room, funboys!" The Funboys were a couple of years apart and approximately 10-12 years of age. In other words, old enough to know better. One was kind of slender and the other was fattish, most likely raised on a rich diet of high fructose corn syrup.

You're probably wondering the reason behind the nickname. Soon after they arrived, The Funboys went swimming in the lake in front of our cottage. What came next was the most bizarre demonstration of brotherly companionship I have ever witnessed, keeping in mind that I have seen the movie Brother's Keeper. You know how some insects like Dragonflies with latch onto each others backs while mating and won't let go for the life of them? Well that's what these kids did when they got in the water. Constantly, suctioned onto each other's backs, all the while screaming unintelligibly at the top of their lungs, "MOMMMM!! TAKE OUR! PIHHSHURE!" but most of the time it just sounded like "UUNNNGHHHHHH!"

Now if you think two fatty kids humping on each other while making crude sex noises is funny, try doing it halfway into a glass of wine on an empty stomach. Later when they came in from the lake, they kept yelling over and over like little gay parrots "BIG and HUGE! BIG and HUGE! BIG and HUGE!" I have NO idea what they were talking about, but let me tell you, the innuendo you could cut with a knife. I giggled, uncontrollably and red faced, knowing that the parents most definitely heard me but not giving a flying fart. That's what you get, when you raise incestuous, gay children: public mockery. And let that be a lesson for us all.

The rest of the trip, fun yet uneventful, was spent kayaking, walking, swimming, and eating. The weather was beautiful, in the low to mid 80's all week although almost everyone we encountered complained about the heat. I believe Mr. Tuttle even complained to God during grace a couple of times. Yeah, God. How bout it?!

Since it's not as exciting to go into lengthy details about the fun we had as it is to make fun of the people we encountered, I will leave you all with these photos that pretty accurately sum it up.