Friday, March 30, 2007

Sweet, Sweet Vengeance.

Loaded question-
noun
A question that carries an assumption, and is worded in such a way so that the respondent who answers the question directly admits to accepting that assumption. : What was the sweetest revenge you ever had???

A dear friend recently asked me this question, while contemplating her own brand of punishment for a very worthy recipient. This is a tough one. Readers, I don't want you to think less of me... But then again I didn't get the name Ms. Salted for nothing. I have done some horrible, horrible things in my past. I have verbally bitchsmacked, physically assaulted, spread rumors and revealed secrets.

Without incriminating myself too much in this somewhat public forum, I can reveal to you one particularly deplorable tale of revenge. Sophomore year of college I was living in the dorms with a girl who at any given moment could be my best friend or worst enemy. A total drama-rama type, she slept around BIG TIME... Often with guys who happened to be involved with friends of hers.

So I shouldn't have been surprised when I found out she came on to my Biggest Boy Crush In The Whole Wide World. She barely knew this boy, other than what she had heard listening to me endlessly gush about him. Well as the story goes, one night as she saw him while drunkenly meandering the streets from whatever stupid party she had been at, went up and grabbed him and attempted to shove her tongue down his throat. Naturally, having the good sense and the discriminating taste of a boy worthy of Ms. Salted's attention, he rebuffed her advances. Unfortunately for her, however, the news quickly made it's way back to me.

So... this is what I did. I took her toothbrush, went into the dorm bathroom, made business in the dorm toilet, and then proceeded to dunk in the toothbrush and scrub the sides of the bowl with it. Years later I saw on a pop culture clip show that a similar act was carried out on the reality show Big Brother. While the commentators all said what a heinous, reprehensible act of barbarity it was... I couldn't help thinking, "Come on! I'm sure the guy had his reasons!"

An old friend of mine used to say that I was the most loyal of friends and without a doubt, the best person you could have on your side; "But GOD HELP YOU if you piss her off!" Fear not, society! That part of me has lain dormant for quite some time now.

But now it's your turn. I showed you mine now you show me yours. Revenge stories: let's have 'em, people! Unlike myself, you can post anonymously... So don't hold back.

7 comments:

Joey O. said...

I'm not vengeful at all, but as I'm sure you expected, I am commenting to praise the use of a pic of Anya...but why not this one?

http://www.damn-skippy.com/AnyaBunny.jpg

sme said...

I'm too much of a pussy to really enact a good revenge against someone, although I've thought of some really excellent things I COULD do if I had the guts.
The best I can come up with is my lame revenge against my freshman roommate in college.
Her name was Erin and I hated her. She fancied herself a hippy, but the only hippy-ish thing she really did was smoke the occaisonal bowl. Well, that and she had something against personal hygiene. Erin didn't change her bed sheets throughout the entire first semester.
Anyway, the night before my finals Erin went to see Phish in concert. I had studied all day and finally fallen into bed at around 1am when Erin comes into the room, turns on all the lights, and starts telling me all about the concert. Did I mention that Erin's voice was probably the loudest, most obnoxious voice I've ever heard? She goes on and on about the set list, how they played Loving Cup and that's like her most favorite song EVER. I keep telling her I've got to go to sleep and I have a final and for the love of god please shut the fuck up, but she's drunk and/or high and she just keeps talking. I don't remember how much sleep I got that night, but I do remember that I overslept and I went to my final late.
When I got back to my room that morning, Erin was fast asleep on her dirty, dirty sheets.
I was pissed. There was so much built up tension and anger toward her that I thought I was going to explode. So I turned on her least favorite band, No Doubt. I turned it on LOUD. You could hear "I'm just a girl" through the entire dormatory. .... and not only did I turn it on, I proceeded to sing it at the top of my lungs and run around the room twirling one of Erin's dirty towels above my head, sometimes randomly swatting at the now very awake and very hung-over Erin.

I know it sounds lame. I didn't even make it to the third track on the CD before the RA made me turn it off, but it felt SO GOOD. I'm not a big No Doubt fan, but I smile when I hear them now and think about how awesome it felt to act completely insane and ruin something for Erin - even if it was only a little beauty sleep.

TK said...

Ohhh... I've never done anything that terrible? How could you do a thing like that? Frankly, I'm a little upset, and a lot disappointed.

I'm kidding, of course, because...

I once peed in someone's shampoo. And in their ice-cube trays. Let's just say it was someone I wasn't seeing eye to eye with.

And no, I'm not kidding. Cut me some slack, I was young and drunk and stupid and really, REALLY angry.

litelysalted said...

joey - I was on the fence whether or not to use Bunny Anya but then I had decided against it because I was afraid no one would get the joke. But for you, dahhhling? Anything!

sme - Outstanding. You half described a roommate I had later in college; she was a spoiled rich girl, also a self proclaimed "hippie" because she A.) Smoked a pretty regular bowl and had B.) Grateful Dead paraphernalia plastered all over every conceivable surface including her little red VW Cabrio that Daddy bought her, even though in the entire year we lived together I did not once ever hear her LISTEN to the Grateful Dead. (Thank goodness for THAT!) The only reason her habitation came about was because one of our housemates cancelled on us and we needed to find someone, anyone ASAP before we lost the house. One night I think I drunkenly tried to spit in her milk but I think my other roommates/friends held me back. Can't be sure I didn't do it, though. Anyway we ended up kicking her out when the lease was up, and she got her Daddy to threaten to sue us and the landlord. I guess they gave up when they realized courts don't usually favor the likes of obnoxious brats who subject their roommates to troll boyfriends named "Tommy" who walks around in his underwear, constantly quoting South Park.

I got off the subject. Well done, sme!

tk -You are my kind of people. Separated at birth, mayhap?

the good daughter said...

tasty salty sweet revenge... best when cooked up slow in my opinion...

my mother use to charge me gas money to drive me to and from work. at age thirteen. one cold day in hell, her open purse sitting above the stick shift in-between us gave me my justice. i took her checkbook and quietly threw out the window blank check after blank check- leaving a papertrail all through town before she saw one flutter by.

Natalia said...

One time a guy called me a bitch, so I punched him in the face.

That was sweet. And vengeful.

Jayne said...

I've got nothing that even compares to your stories- but I absolutely love the checkbook one, 'cause my mom was like that, too.

But on the college roommates subject, I once lived with 5 other women in a house in PA (technically considered a brothel). We rarely talked to each other, but one in particular was an out-of-control Christian, and happy to let it be known. Her boyfriend came by all the time but OF COURSE they weren't having sex yet because they weren't married! She would bring her family by the house on Sundays after church, all dressed up in pastels...I could go on and on with examples, but you get the idea.

Late one Friday evening when everyone else was gone and I had the house to myself, but knew she'd be coming back at a reasonable hour, I popped in my copy of The Craft, lit a bunch of candles, dressed in all black, and pulled out a copy of the Wicca handbook. I turned out the lights and sat down on the floor to watch my movie and educate myself on the details of paganism.

I will never forget the look on her face when she came in by herself and saw me... she was on her way into the kitchen, took in this scene in the living room, turned right back around and didn't leave her room all night. I did hear her crying on her phone for awhile, though.

gosh, that was fun!