Thursday, April 12, 2007

An Open Letter To Jared Padalecki

Dear Jared,

No, you know what? Fuck you, man.

I write about your show all the time. I write about how much I love it, (even when I don't) and even when people make fun of me for it. I even wrote about how you love the animals.

And this is how you repay me? By starring as Thomas fucking Kinkade in a movie named after one of his godawful paintings called The Christmas Cottage?! To think I may have, on occasion, say... fantasized about making out with you. Thinking about it now just makes me want to throw up in my mouth.

Thomas Kinkade? Seriously?! I always knew you were kind of a dork, thanks to the Day in the Life of Jared and Jensen featurette from the Supernatural Season 1 DVDs. But this is just beyond belief. As an artist before a writer, the fact that this man is celebrated for his shitty mediocre "doctor's office" art offends me to the core of my being. Why don't you just take a gun and shoot me, Jared? It would be less painful and over more quickly.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling about all of this right now. But I think it might be awhile before I can see you again, and I hope you understand.


Your fan (?)
Ms. Salted
PS: I leave you with this photoshop rendition which more accurately expresses my thoughts about all of this.


Manny said...

So, you're saying you don't approve of this career move? I'm kinda unclear on that point. But the dog pooping was awesome!!!

Seriously, I think any office that hangs Kincade "art" should be raided by The Disco for "Sense Offence". As in not having the good sense to discard and then defecate upon any of Kincade's work that they display.

Actually, hanging a picture of someone crapping on one of his paintings would actually be preferable to hanging the actual painting itself.

TK said...

Hell, I'd rather watch an actual dog take a crap than see one of his paintings (or the movie, for that matter).

Nice one, LS.

litelysalted said...

manny- I've got a Warhol print in my office, and if my boss tried to replace it with Kinkade I would quit. No hesitation.

And, seriously tk! I can already tell that movie won't even have any unintentional humor, but dogs crapping can be funny. Take my dog Sophie for example: Sophie likes her privacy when she craps and since we cut down her "crappin' tree", now when she craps she looks around nervously over her shoulder. Sometimes I'll stand on the deck and make farting noises and laugh at her. Now that's entertainment.

TK said...

You think THAT'S funny... I've got a dog with three legs (one of the rear ones was amputated). Watching her crap (especially when she a pup) is fucking hysterical.

Yeah. Going to Hell, am I.

aejr said...

i think that movie sounds like it's going to be even better than an original lifetime production... and that we should buy tickets in advance, and show up armed with the juicebox wine.

MEECH! said...

Kinkade?? Jesus wept!

litelysalted said...

tk- C-ya there!

aejr- I just... can't. Not this one. No amount of cheap wine in the world will make the hurting go away.

meech!- Exactly.

April said...

Thanks for making me laugh after a stressful day at work. You're a pisser!

hanging on in the end... said...

dog shitting. my fearless redbone hunting hound runs away scared as hell from two things: plastic bags and his own crap. his worst nightmare: a dingleberry.