Weeds Season 3 -- My Thoughts

Spoilers abound, so if you catch this on DVD -- you may want to opt out now.

Still with me? Okay, so "Weeds" is probably my biggest TV obsession du jour, even though I'm not totally in love with the third season. It started out good, riding on last season's cliffhanger, but let's face it -- it does have some issues. Maybe it's because I'm not a quote unquote drug lord, but I really didn't understand the whole thing with Nancy and Conrad owing U-Turn to begin with. I mean, sure maybe after he paid the Armenians off, but the bottom line is that U-Turn tried to jack them for pot that they didn't have. And then the pot got ruined, so if anything I'd chalk that up to more of a "failed robbery attempt" so much as "lost income." But I guess drug gangs don't abide by the same rules and logic that the rest of of adhere to, so whatever.

Regardless -- like most viewers, my tolerance for the whole U-Turn/Nancy/White Slave plotline had just about worn it's welcome when the unthinkable happened. U-Turn started to grow on me. First with the drive by scene in episode five, which was hilarious -- and then more so with the whole burgeoning mentor/student plot last night. And so naturally, with U-Turn becoming remotely likable, what happened was the only thing that could happen: U-Turn needed to die. But at least he died for a good reason -- laughing at Marvin for going to Dreamgirls.

If U-Turn's demise means more Marvin -- the most entertaining new character this season -- than I say bring it on, because the other prospects ain't lookin' so good. Last night we were introduced to Mary Kate Olsen's character, who I already hate with the firey passion of a thousand suns. My reasons being:

1. Mary Kate Olsen can't act. I know she did all those direct to video movies about solving mysteries in the playground or some shit, but "1/2 of a twin sleuthing team" did nothing to prepare her for "evangelical pothead."

2. Her stupid big flat vapid-eyed face looks like a stupid cat's face. It's just creepy, dammit.

3. Has Mary Kate Olsen like, ever really been intimate with someone before? The way she was grinding on Silas made her look like she was having a seizure. It had to be one the most unsexy teen sex scenes (OK I know they weren't actually doing it, but whatever) since the end of Kids. Grief.

Moving on, I've been suspiciously tolerating Matthew Modine's character. He's kind of funny, but kind of annoying -- and I've marginally enjoyed his sexist/sarcastic report with Nancy up until now. In fact, the only thing that could ruin that chemistry is if they actually put those two together, and oh shit. That's probably happening next week. Fucking Christ. Oh vengeful, merciless gods of TV -- why do you hate me so? I guess really when it comes down to it, the best I can hope for for the rest of the season is more Underpants Andy. Bring back Underpants Andy!

Better Get to Know Your "Rock of Love" Skanks

Well, you all knew this was coming. As is my tradition of covering VH1 competitive reality shows, "Rock of Love" starring Poison frontman Bret Michaels premiered on VH1 last night. And it... is... awesome. Never have I been so excited about a VH1 reality show since I Love New York. Okay, well I know that's not saying a lot, so just trust me -- it's great.

Basically, the premise is as such: Bret Michaels wants a deep and meaningful relationship with a girl who will share the spotlight with his first love -- wait for it -- rock and roll. But he'll settle for a bimbo he can nail while this show, God willing, resuscitates some semblance of life into his otherwise flailing career. It worked for Flavor Flav, right? As the credits roll we see footage of Michaels riding on a motorcycle, presumably on route to meet the girls, whom he describes as "25 of the most beautiful women in the world." Or you know, 25 of the most acceptable skanks VH1 could wrangle from America's vast array of nudie bars -- same difference. And with that, I bring you the following round-up of the skanktestants.

Brandi C. -- The Frontrunner
Brandi C. is totally the "New York" of Rock of Love. She's vapid, blonde and crazier'n a shithouse rat. She immediately begins referring to Bret as "her man" much to Bret's displeasure. But I have a feeling he'll come around -- the producers will see to that. Brandi C. will probably make it into the "Top 2" only to be rejected like New York and Chance before her.

VH1 Fun Facts: Likes to be naked and wants to be in Playboy; Received "Boobs" as birthday gift from her parents. Okay, so maybe these should be called "VH1 Ridiculously Fucking Unsurprising Facts."

Kristia -- The Follower
Kristia and Brandi C. immediately bond over the fact that they're blonde and retarded -- and Kristia seems just dumb and bland enough to go along with it; content following her counterpart around like a puppydog. They're BFF now, so if Larissa and Shay have taught us anything -- you know they'll soon be at each other's throats. I can't wait.

VH1 Fun Facts: Currently a Go Go Dancer (not exotic). Because she's classy like that.

Cindy aka "Rodeo" -- The Soulmate
Rodeo is immediately dismissed by the other girls for being too manly and wearing a cowboy hat. Fortunately for her, the very reasons she is spurned by the other girls are considered major selling points to Bret, who purportedly knows from experience that a woman wearing a cowboy hat is a turn-on in the sack. Different strokes for different folks, okay people? During a meaningful drunken conversation Bret and Rodeo find out they have stuff in common like illegitimate children and medical conditions. I know it's early in the game, but I'm picking her as a serious contender, possibly even the winner.

VH1 Fun Facts: Sometimes wears cowboy hat in bed. Shocking.

Lacey -- The Wannabe
Lacey -- who I'm dubbing the "Krazy" of Rock of Love -- is the aspiring rock star who is approximately one episode away of being accused of being "not there for Bret." Lacey seems alright in the sense that if I met her at a bar while I was wasted, I would probably be down with her. But ultimately she seems like she's trying too hard and that's gonna get pathetically old real soon.

VH1 Fun Facts: Last boyfriend was a guitar player; Animal lover and animal rights activist. Aw, see? She's an animal person. Animal people are good people.

Brandi M. -- The Badass
See, now this is the beauty of "Rock of Love": Two Brandis. I love it. This Brandi is a stark contrast of the other Brandi. Well, okay she's admittedly a stripper, so maybe not that different. But she puts on a tough girl facade and is covered in tattoos. I will be sorely disappointed if Brandi M. is not ejected from the game for fighting.

VH1 Fun Facts: Mom is her best friend; She can fit her fist in her mouth. See? She's just a sweet Momma's girl at heart... Who can fit her entire fist in her mouth.

Tiffany -- The Wild Card
Tiffany looks like the misbegotten love child of Ginger Spice and a troll doll. Her face literally looks like it's made out of silly putty. I would say that Tiffany is like the "Mr. Boston" of "Rock of Love" but I think to say so much would be doing the esteemed Mr. Boston a disservice. Tiffany gets cut right off the bat, along with the four other fugliest girls for being, well, too fugly. And if you saw the entire cast of skanktestants, that's really saying something. Ever the good little deranged lunatic, Tiffany fights her way back into the house only to get completely and obnoxiously trashed off her ass and chided by the other 20 girls. And for whatever reason (oh, I'm sorry, "ratings") she again gets a free pass after not being picked at the first elimination. I don't know about you, but I can't wait to see what crazy hijinks Tiffany gets herself into next time! Wheeeee!

VH1 Fun Facts: Special Talent: Can bounce her boobs; Caught ex-husband cheating on her with her best friend so she broke the girl's nose. Ding ding ding! There we have it, folks! She's a scrapper!

Salty out -- see you next time, following the premiere of I Love New York 2!

Too Punk Rock for Life

Holy shit.

Frankie from the Real World died. (Read about it here.)

Now I almost feel bad for hating her so much. I said almost, bitches.

Has Pimp My Ride Jumped the Shark?

With the exception of "True Life" and sometimes "Made," about the only damn thing left on MTV I can stomach nowadays is "Pimp My Ride." It's also one of the few guilty pleasures which Mr. Salty and myself can both enjoy. Well, to be honest I think he likes it a bit more than I do, but regardless. "Pimp My Ride" is kind of a double edged sword of a television experience. On one hand, the customizing of the cars in itself is a pretty interesting to watch, (I especially like when they fix up the classics) and a lot of the stuff they do is so ridiculously badass. Plus, host Xzibit is really, genuinely frigging hilarious -- and not even in an ironic way. You gotta appreciate someone with an art for the reaction shot, even if he probably is stoned half the time.

But on the downside, most of the kids whose cars get their cars pimped are snot-nosed, unappreciative assholes who will most likely go on to assily show off with the cars -- subsequently wrecking them. I've actually seen evidence of this thanks to an "update" show. Plus it's one thing to install a computer, gratuitous monitors, or even a playstation in a car... But I draw the line at snowcone machines and waterfalls. It's like, fucking enough already. I know I certainly wouldn't want all that crap in my car.

Although we still don't watch this show on a regular basis, lately I've been noticing some changes to the format which concern me. For one thing, for the past season or two they no longer fix up the cars at West Coast Custom. I liked the guys at West Coast. They were overall pretty tolerable and entertaining to watch. They've still got Mad Mike, who appears to be the one in charge, but now they're working at some custom shop with a bunch of lame white assholes. Who wants to see that? Especially when they look like this douchebag, whom I believe is going for "Sonic the Hedgehog" with this style.

And then, to add insult to injury, the last time we tuned in Xzibit wasn't even hosting. I can't find any info if this is permanent or not, but I really fucking hope not. Seriously, Xzibit is awesome and if you don't have Xzibit what's even the point of "Pimp My Ride?" Plus? His replacement was some retard named "Chamillionaire," which is absolutely the most idiotic rap name I have ever heard. The last time I saw such a crappy bait and switch was Becky No.2 on "Roseanne." (Bless your heart, Sarah Chalke.)

If anyone has any news about this, please pass it on. My Saturday afternoon television watching outright depends on it.

Flavor of Love IV: Debutards

Confession time: When Flavor of Love premiered I couldn't bring myself to watch it. I was all Flav'ed out from both the Surreal Life and the abysmal Strange Love. But after watching footage of the "Spit Heard Round The World" I couldn't help myself but tune into the second installment, which luckily brought back Miss New York so I was all caught up by the time the glorious I Love New York aired.

It was then that I realized something. The Flavor of Love equation actually works better without it's proprietary character, because, you know what? Flavor Flav is annoying as shit. And when you take away the annoying as shit factor, you're left with nothing but marvelously entertaining skeezebags, manskanks, and attention whores.

The formula appears to be working; I Love New York was a smash hit and the trend continues with Charm School, debuting with 5.1 million viewers– a network record. The show is hosted by comedienne (?) Mo'Nique, who I'm not entirely familiar with, although she seems to fill the slot well enough. So I guess technically the premise of the show is to find out which girl can become most ladylike, to be bestowed a large cash sum. But we all know what the real premise is, and that is to watch crazy bitches fight! Hellz YEAH!

Here are my picks so far:

Pumkin: To quote fellow blogger Natalia, Bitches be hatin on Pumpkin already! Pumkin is the aforementioned "spitter" from Flavor of Love 1. (The "spittee" being Miss New York herself.) I don't have too much else to say about Pumkin at this point, other than that she turned up at the I Love New York reunion on the arm of none other than Mr. Boston himself, and for those you who would like to replace your Screech Sex tape nightmares with another visual, boasted of the "great sex" they were having. Indeed.

Saaphyri: Saaphyri's time on The Flavor of Love 2 was so brief (albeit memorable) that she didn't even earn a nickname, although you may fondly remember her as the Lip Chap Girl. In the aftermath of the fight which gets her booted, Saaphyri offers the other girl some "lip chap" and then prays, "Please God don't let me beat down this white bitch's ass again." (It's fantastic, and you can watch it here.)

Hottie: Although I missed Hottie on Flavor of Love 1, she seems be doing a stellar job of filling the delusional batshit crazy void we're left with without New York. By the second episode she's let her inner psychopath out full force, hiding some of the other girls dresses in a kitchen cabinet. Why, you ask? Allow me to reiterate: delusional batshit crazy.

Krazee: Sadly, at the time of this writing Krazee has already been booted from the show, which is a shame because she was probably the most pathetic Flavorette, therefore the most enjoyable to laugh at. In The Flavor of Love 2, Krazee (self nicknamed Nevaeh, which is "Heaven" spelled backwards) demonstrates delusions of grandeur in that she aspires to be a recording artist. Unfortunately for her and her beat-ass demo tape, her pitiful "singing talents" would get her booed offstage a talent show for short bus kids.

Aaaaaaand, there you have it, folks! See you at the next spin-off!

Dustin Diamond is really creepy.

How's that for the most redundant headline of the century? And I'm not even referring to the sex tape, which I haven't seen. Although that much should be clear just going by the fact that I'm sitting here typing and not rocking back and forth with my knees drawn to my chest in a padded room.

Defying my better judgment, I tuned into Celebrity Fit Club last night. I swear I'm going to wind up as the blogger known for a relentless coverage of VH1's Celebreality lineup; but unfortunately since there seems to be both a demand and shortage of such, it looks like I'm going to have to be the one to bite the bullet.

Fit Club is not a show I typically watch, because seriously whooooo caaaaares. But this time around my curiosity had been whetted by reports of on-set altercations between cast member Diamond (who makes Danny Bonaduce look well adjusted) and, pretty much everyone; particularly contestant Kimberly Locke. TMZ reported back in January that Diamond had threatened to "make a dildo of my c**k and f**k" former American Idol star Locke with "it."

Based on that quote alone one might assume that we're not dealing with a champion of mental health, but I was still quite shocked by how disturbing Diamond's behavior was right off the bat. If you aren't already aware, he fancies himself a stand-up comedian, although evidenced by impromptu bits on the show last night his "comedy" seems to range anywhere from "pathetic" to "uncomfortable."

Immediately he begins harassing Locke, probably for no other reason than she seems to be the easiest target, laughing and taunting her during the initial consultation with the panel of experts. When it comes his turn to stand before the panel he continues to make ineffectual jokes which leads me to believe that he may have purposely gained weight solely for the purpose of appearing on the show in the first place. Which wouldn't be totally uncharacteristic coming from the guy who allegedly leaked his own porno.

Former child stars whoring themselves out at any given opportunity is fairly commonplace in our society, as evidenced by Barry "Greg Brady" Williams presence in American pop culture for the past 3 decades. Hell, I might do the same the same if I were in that position. There's bills to pay and it's easier than actually working for a living. But the difference with Dustin Diamond is that there's something genuinely deeply unsettling about the guy, and as much as I loves me a trainwreck I have to confess that maybe the public arena is not the best place for this particular has-been.

To Catch a Predator Con Man Shoplifter Jaywalker?

So... The people at Dateline NBC are really milking the hell out of this whole, "To Catch a ____" franchise, aren't they?

Last week it was To Catch an ID Thief. Which really wasn't as frightening as I had imagined, because much like To Catch a Predator, for the most part the crimes in question rely heavily on the cooperation of total dumbasses. It did make me think twice, however, when I engaged in a bout of verbal fisticuffs with a spammer last week that maybe he was in the process of stealing my photograph from my company website for the purpose of using it to manipulate lonely old men into unwittingly committing acts of credit card fraud.

Oh well, probably wouldn't be the worst thing my likeness has been attached to.

Moving on. Last night To Catch a Car Thief premiered, which was much less funny than either of the aforementioned. For one thing, it didn't feature the ever delightful Chris Hansen; (although it did feature "Big George", pictured above) not to mention it was about legitimately frightening criminals with guns. Lots of guns. Although, the addition of Hansen could have been amusing in the right context:

Car thief shows up at nondescript warehouse looking to unload stolen vehicles.

Chris Hansen: Walks out. Hi, how are you? Why don't you have a seat over there—

Car Thief: We been set up! Fuck this shit! BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!

Car Thief: Yeah. That's what I thought, bitch ass punk!

Oh, I kid. I wish no ill will on my favorite harbinger of unintentional comedy. But on a more serious note, witnessing these very scary criminals in action does beg the question as to why we're not spending more effort on fighting the terror taking place within our own nation rather than going around looking for it overseas? Although I think that is a question for a much more serious and insightful blogger than myself.

I CALLED IT!

When I originally wrote about VH1's I Love New York following the series premiere, I had the following prediction:

Already fan-favorite and serious contendor, Chance is the token cro-magnum thug whom, much like a Bum to Night Train, New York is immediately and overwhelmingly drawn to. Chance will no doubt make the final two and likely go on to star in his very own brand-of-crazy Reality Show, Give Chance a Piece.

Well, I Love New York wrapped up on Monday night, and wouldn't you know! Not only did our favorite little thug make it into the final two... But he was eliminated; leaving himself free for any future VH1 projects!

The winner of I Love New York ended up being the crybaby tattletaleing ("Ninja Turtle Motherf**ker") Tango, who I did not write about in my previous entry because of how horrifically boring he was. He concluded the show with one final act of lameness by proposing to old Snuffleupagus Eyelashes on the spot. Yaaaawn. All and all, a fairly disappointing ending as I had been kind of rooting for Chance.

Oh, but who am I kidding? As if for one moment I gave the tiniest crap about New York finding her Skank Charming! I tuned in for hilarious manskank antics (say that three times fast!) and this show delivered exceptionally. What I'm really looking forward to is next week's reunion when they're all gonna FIGHT!! Yes! Hot manskank on manskank action! Wheeee!!!!!

If you missed I Love New York, do your self a favor and turn on VH1 this weekend, where you'll be likely to catch a marathon of it. I even got Mr. Salted hooked, which is a huge testament to the entertainment value of the series. And don't miss the upcoming Charm School, in which VH1 continues to milk every last drop out of the Flavor of Love franchise. I can't wait!!

Top 10 Things I learned from watching the American Gladiators Marathon on ESPN Classic this weekend.

10. Lace was probably not picked as a Gladiator primarily for her athletic ability.

9. The American Gladiators theme song was composed by none other than Lucifer himself.

8. When Malibu gets injured in Human Cannonball; medical science be damned! All he needs to get better is "the sun and the surf, with a brew in one hand and a babe in the other."

7. Malibu later went on to play "Thor" in that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm of the same name, where Larry David gets into a fight with a professional wrestler.

6. If you are the token "T&A" female competitor, you'll probably end up winning the Powerball event because the Gladiators always seem to go after the athletic chicks.

5. On American Gladiators it was totally herero and masculine for a man to wear a tightly fitting midriff exposing tank top.

4. Secretly, a small part of me wishes I could compete in American Gladiators. (And I would kick ass at it, too!)

3. In the Eliminator event, the Gladiator always waits behind the door on the far right. So if you can't figure out that much you shouldn't even go on American Gladiators to begin with.

2. American Gladiators as a concept would never work today because we as a society are just less bodacious than we used to be. (When did it all go wrong?)

1. No matter who you are, (I'm looking at you, 5'10, 125lb leggy frosted blonde...) Shiny Spandex makes everyone look fat.

She Saved The World... A Lot.

It's known in some parts that Litelysalted is a fan of all things Buffyverse. I still watch Buffy and/or Angel every morning on TNT/FX before work, alternating between which show is having the better season and flipping to avoid crappy episodes. (With my luck however, it always seems like Double or Nothing and Beer Bad are airing on the same day.)

Buffy ended it's run with the seventh season, however some fans of the show may know that an 8th season is in the works, in the form of Joss Whedon penned comic books; with the first episode issue debuting in comic shops nationwide next week. I've had mixed feelings about this. I'm not a "comic book person" and would undoubtedly be teased and tormented to no end by Mr. Salted for bringing home Buffy comics; to an even greater extent than the teasing and tormenting I endure for watching Buffy and Angel in the first place. But part of me needs to know what's going to happen to the Scoobies! The series ended so gloriously ambiguously that a comic book revival could be awesomely awesome or Joss could just fuck the whole thing up with his bloated imagination having no restrictions, as with the medium of television. (And even with television, the series wasn't totally without the occasional fuck up.)

Well, today I was sent this spoilerific wiki entry on some details of this season 8, and here are some of my random thoughts:

Buffy is not dating The Immortal as "The Girl in Question" had stated. This is in fact a ruse set up by Andrew Wells using lookalikes, and partially as a prank on Angel and Spike.
Well, the fact that this was a "ruse" is partially a relief, but still annoying that whole stupid thing on Angel had to happen in the first place... Not to mention a lame way to cancel it out. Next.

Xander leads "central command" which is in Scotland.
Hee! Xander leading "Central Command" of anything beyond maybe a Chuck E. Cheese is laughable, at best. As if it wasn't implausible enough that we've already had "Construction Site Manager" Xander. Please!

Dawn experiences "growing pains" of "ginormic [sic] proportions" as a byproduct of losing her virginity. Whedon also makes mention of a "Giant Dawn."
I sure as HELL don't like where this is going.

Anya will definitely reappear although she will not be resurrected. Whedon describes it as being "all about Anya" with a possibility of an appearance by bunnies.
ANYA is back?! With BUNNIES?! Yay!! Okay, we're getting warmer...

Riley Finn and his wife may show up but nothing is set right now as the writers of the comic are going to start with the core characters.
The only time I would ever want to see Riley Finn and his vanilla-ass wife again would be to setup for their gristly deaths. PERIOD.

The season's Big Bad is set to be a returning cast member.
Oh, please let it be D’Hoffryn, please let it be D’Hoffryn, please let it be D’Hoffryn!! How does that saying go? Hell hath no fury like a demon pimpdaddy scorned? The Scoobies took from him his best two ho's. I know I'd be pissed. Plus, D’Hoffryn? Is just awesome.

Angel and Spike will definitely be featured, but only sparingly.... Faith will appear in the second arc, written by Brian K. Vaughan.
Faith gets her own arc, with very little emphasis on Frick and Frack? THAT'S IT! Count me in! Stay tuned for my review of the first issue...

Eat dirt, pervert!

Last night Dateline NBC aired the conclusion of it's latest two part installment of To Catch a Predator; a show I have previously expressed a love affair with.*

This episode was a bit different, however. In addition to humiliating and apprehending the men who showed up at the Predator house looking to score some underage poontang, (always fun) they took it to a new level and actually tracked down the men who didn't show up.

Wow... Now this is quite the moral quandary. Obviously, it's both ethically and legally wrong to have lewd conversations online with someone whom, for all intents and purposes, you believe to be a minor. Show up at your house with a camera crew for a national news magazine show and SWAT Team, and pretty much ruin your life indefinitely wrong? At the very least, debatable. And what's more, one of these men just happened to be a prominent local Assistant District Attorney who ended up barricading himself inside his home and blowing his brains out.

Yeeeeech.... Now all of a sudden I feel kinda... dirty. That's not what I look for in guilty pleasures. I Love New York doesn't make me feel dirty. (Okay, maybe a little dirty when Mr. Boston starts up with the Booger Spelunking.) At the same time I don't know if I can stop watching. There's another new episode on next week, hopefully featuring the entertaining new male "decoy" who gets waaaay too into his role.

Quandary aside, it does make me kinda inspired to go trolling around chatrooms myself posing as a 13 year old, enticing perverts into lewd conversation only to falsely inform them that they're part of a sting operation and law enforcement is on their way as we speak.

Now that could be fun.

*A consensual, adult love affair... Naturally.

Cliffhanger Hangup

Ahhh, the cliffhanger. Such a fickle beast she is. Done right, the cliffhanger can be a clever and entertaining plot twist designed to whet the appetite of what’s to come. Done poorly, it can come off as a cheap plot contrivance, frustrating and tiresome to the viewer, employed seemingly for no reason other than that the network doesn’t have enough faith in their show to keep us tuning in based on quality alone.

Cliffhangers, while not excluded to hiatuses, usually save the big one-two punch cliffhanger for the end of a season. Not this year. It seems like just about every series I watch ended November sweeps this season with The Big Cliffhanger. Here’s the rundown:

Supernatural Cliffhanger: Ass Dad’s Big Secret
My last post about this received no comments. In fact, most of my posts about Supernatural receive no comments, unless they are patronizing in nature. Well, I’m not giving up that easy, dammit!

At any rate, yes, Ass Dad’s Big Secret (or “BS” as I’ve come to call it) having to do with Sam and Sam’s telekinetic psychic powers was finally revealed last Thursday. The secret was that Dean had to protect Sam, and if he couldn’t protect him he would have to kill him. Well..... Duh. Okay the BS left us feeling a bit shafted. But, I’ve got to hand it to Kripke and Co. for at least (seemingly) keeping up with continuity. I was getting a bit worried that the build up would have been so great that it would have forced the writers to just start making shit up as they went along.... Not to name names, Angel.

The Office Cliffhanger: Who Did Michael Take To Sandals With Him?!?!
Okay, well we knew it wasn’t Nancy Walls. We knew it wasn’t either of the Benihanas waitresses; the one with or the one without the mark on her arm..... Oh heck it was Jan. We all knew it was Jan, but who cares? This show is just great. And if you’ll remember, I originally was suspicious of The Office (US). Well, the combination of S2 DVD rentals and the fantastic new season with fantastic new characters, I have proudly upgraded myself to Regular Viewer. Back-to-back with the craptasically sinful guilty pleasure of Supernatural, and Thursday is hands down my favorite night of the week.

Desperate Housewives Cliffhanger: Bree’s Husband’s Allegedly Murdered Ex-Wife is ALIVE! DUN!
Aw, hell I can’t even pretend to be interested in this and yawn. Every time I swear I’m going to stop watching this godawful show for once and for all they go and pull some stunt, like actually making a good episode and give Felicity Huffman a chance to act instead of just screeching all the lines like an abrasive harpy. Alas, it doesn’t last... And they go and top it off by killing off Roseanne's Jackie, an actual potentially interesting new character played by an awesome actress, and by the time Cliffhanger Resolution rolls around they’ve moved onto storylines about teen sex peer pressure with lines straight out of afterschool specials from the 70’s and 80’s. “I want ____ to like me, but I don’t know if I’m ready.” “Well, you know if you don’t give him the sex, he’ll have to get it someplace else.” I paraphrase, naturally, but the dialogue wasn’t far off. Sigh. Is it too late to hop onto the Heroes bandwagon?

Note: After the threats to my family started, I have finally given in and signed up for Blogger Beta. And it fucking sucks. It won’t even let me do spellcheck, and you all know spelling errors are up there with big hairy spiders and public door handles for me: Absolutely terrifying.

Litelysalted loves herself some New York!

In a landmark proceeding in regards to reality TV programming, beloved crackwhore/lunatic New York (aka Tiffany Patterson) has gotten her very own reality show: I Love New York . What makes I Love New York so unprecedented is that this show is a spin-off of a sequel of a spin-off of a spin-off (counts fingers) of what was essentially a fourth rate cable reality show to begin with.

Confused? Well Surreal Life (4?) gave us breakout "star" Flavor Flav, who went on to do Strange Love with Surreal Life co-star Brigitte Nielsen. Strange Love then begat the "Bachelor-esque" Flavor of Love where viewers first got a taste of New York... One season of Flavor of Love apparently wasn't enough so VH1 trotted both Flav AND New York back out for season two. New York made it into the "final two" both seasons, but ultimately lost in the end. A wise man named George Bluth once said: "Never promise crazy a baby!" and I think that sums it up it nicely.

Which brings us to today, where the now twice-jilted New York gets her own Bachelorette-type reality dating show, complete with 20 different kinds of crazy to choose from. Also starring in I Love New York is New York's clearly insane mother, Meeees "Sister" Michelle, who actually was involved in a minor physical altercation with Flavor Flav on S2 of Flavor of Love.

I Love New York premiered last night, and I have to say this show is AWESOME, and will definitely blow the sometimes-nauseating Flavor of Love out of the stupid "FLAVOR FLAAAAAV!" water. This show fills the "Maury" void I've had in my life ever since I started working 9-5. I must say, the producers have done a splendid job in finding 20 men who are about as insane as New York. The cast is fairly diverse, race-wise, however New York accuses half of the non-African American contestants of being racist and her mother accuses the other half of being gay. She's not entirely wrong on that one, either... And has coined the phrase Undercover Gay, which will forever be cemented in my vocabulary.

Standout contestants include:

Mr. Boston
Mr. Boston, who originaly requested that his nickname be "Stud," looks very much like a Ken doll minus the charisma. I suspect he may be somewhat mentally retarded, and doesn't exactly do what I consider "justice" to the fine city of Boston. In the premier he tells Meeees Michelle that he wants to have inter-racial babies with New York who look like "Derek Jeter."

T-Bone
When T-Bone actually admitted that he hasn't had sex in 3 years, I think he was giving himself the benefit of the doubt. New York correctly points out that his self-professed "Bedroom Eyes" are pointing in two different directions.

Romance
To sum up Romance: GAY, GAY, GAY!!! Not even the "undercover" gay Meees Michelle was referring to, because Romance's gayness is about as subtle as the entire cast of Queer Eye, Liberace, Elton John, and every gay porn star that has ever existed put together. In the introduction/nickname ceremony, Romance breaks down in tears that he recently "lost" his precious Maltese, "Princess," and that if New York gives him a chance he'll treat her every bit as good as he treated Princess. Whew.

Chance
Already fan-favorite and serious contendor, Chance is the token cro-magnum thug whom, much like a Bum to Night Train, New York is immediately and overwhelmingly drawn to. Chance will no doubt make the final two and likely go on to star in his very own brand-of-crazy Reality Show, Give Chance a Piece*.

* TM-TWoP Forums

Supernatural, I wish I could quit you...

Don't watch the show? New to my blog? Well if you give even the slightest crap about the rant I'm about to go off on, go here and catch up on the basic plot.

Okay. Are we all caught up? Good. Season 2 started with the brothers Winchester (and Papa "Ass Dad" Winchester) barely clinging to life after a run-in with Arch Nemesis Demon. Dean is in a life-threatening coma and to make a long story short, Ass Dad makes a deal with Arch Nemesis Demon to trade his life for Dean's. Or something. There's a cloud of mystique surrounding that part. Which actually isn't so assy because I'd rather have Dean around, what with the fantabulous hunkiness and all.

Moving on! Before Ass Dad dies, he whispers something to Dean about Sam. Who, (if you read my summary), has psychic/telekinetic powers, which we know now are somehow important to Arch Nemesis Demon. Then Assy Assface dies and all we know about the secret is that it's been giving Deano a major and increasingly tiresome bug up his ass for the past 9, (yes nine, count 'em) episodes. Oh and that he also lied about it when Sam asked if Ass Dad had any last words. Here! See it for yourself!



Mmm... Wasn't that fun? And doesn't Dean look absolutely delish in those hospital skivvies? Moving on! Again! So now, two weeks ago, we get the following promo at the end of the last episode:



Okay, if you don't want to watch that whole thing, (and if you do, I should mention that only the last 10 seconds are relevant to what I'm referring) Dean says to Sam, "Dad told me something before he died. Something about you." DUN! So I was exceptionally thrilled to watch last night's brand new episode. Except... Guess what? That scene takes place the last minute of the episode, and ENDS there!!!!! And now it's on hiatus for like, a month! DAMN YOU, KRIPKE!

Jared Padalecki: Friend to the Animals

Just when I thought Sam Winchester... I mean Jared Padalecki... couldn't possibly get any dreamier, he goes and does this. Le sigh... Ladies. If you're still not watching Supernatural, I don't know what more I could possibly do or say to convince you otherwise. While I can't always get behind Peta because I think sometimes their ridiculous stunts (coughPamAndersoncough) undermine their good intentions, this is definitely a step in the right direction.

Source article.

Chris Hansen is my hero!

In honor of the return of Dateline NBC: To Catch A Predator, I am reposting this (slightly edited) review from my old blog, for your reading pleasure. It's airs tomorrow (Friday) night at 9:00. If you're like me and have no life and live for seeing grown men beg and plead and cry, you will so be watching this.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

First of all, this show is just awesome. The premise is as follows: the Dateline crew rents a luxe house and sets up camp in Town X. Aided by a non-profit watchdog group called "Perverted Justice", (which is awesome in itself) they pose as 13-16 year olds and conduct lewd online conversations with sex offenders in attempt to lure them to said house to be set-up, humiliated, and subsequently arrested by law enforcement.

It takes elements from several of my favorite shows (Cheaters, Maury, COPS) and combines them into one glorious mismash of Surprise!, Decoys, gratuitous bleeping, denial in the face of hard evidence, and the violent apprehensions of retarded redneck criminals. In fact, the only thing that could make this show better, (although I don't watch American Idol) is if they showed a montage of them apprehending the perverts to the "Had A Bad Day" song. Montages are great.

Oh, but there's more! Sometimes they actually read the dirty chat transcripts on air, by ACTORS!!! Just because it's an online conversation doesn't mean you still can't get that Realistic Pervo Effect!

The apprehension part is also pretty good. I mean, these are hardly dangerous criminal masterminds here. They're just lonely, retarded old pervs who are looking to drink some Mike's Hard Lemonade and get some fresh 14-year old nookie. But I have seen less violent takedowns on COPS after high speed car chases with armed assailants. Occasionally they'll even dress an undercover officer up like a shrub (camouflage) to jump out and detain the pervs for the ultimate element of surprise, before they smash his face into the pavement.

Let's face it though. How many 14 year olds really are interested in having sexy conversations with old men online, much less inviting them to their homes? If there truly are kids out there who are that belligerently stupid, do they even deserve a watchdog group? It's called natural selection, people! I don't know, but either way it's excellent goddamn entertainment, so keep up the good work, NBC!

I Heart Serial Killers!

True story. This weekend I get an email from a Showtime marketing guy asking me, since I "seem like a reputable influencer" if I would write a review of their new series Dexter on the blog, and gave me access to the pilot to check out. Reputable influencer! Hee! That's probably one of my favorite things I've ever been called, although I don't believe it for a second seeing as you guys still won't watch Supernatural, no matter how much I talk up Jensen Ackles pecs..

Now normally I don't take requests from random marketing lackeys, but I had actually seen a banner ad for the show on TWoP last week and I have to say it peaked my interest. Plus, I have warm fuzzies for Showtime since they attempted to revive Arrested Development. I guess Dexter actually premiered last night, so I don't know if I was supposed to be writing this before it aired, but I don't work weekends so tough shit. Here goes.

I loved this show. And no I'm not getting paid for this review. Here's the premise: Dexter, (pictured above) a functional sociopath not entirely unpleasant to look at, works as a blood-splatter forensics expert by day and moonlights as a serial killer. He was taught by his father, a detective, to channel his murderous impulses into vigilante killings, thus making the world a better place. Or something. I suppose that part is a little ethically muddy. Also starring is the always-wonderful Julie Benz, as Dexter's girlfriend Rita whom he keeps for appearances. Rita has a history of abuse and is therefore mutually uninterested in an intimate relationship, making her "the perfect woman" for Dex.

The show is pretty dark, as you might assume of a show about a functional serial killer, but has just the right amount humor to keep me interested. There were a few things that bugged me a bit, I thought the numerous references to Dexter being "empty inside" were a bit contrived. It's like, okay, he's completely devoid of human emotion. We get it. Although that was probably mostly due to it being the pilot episode, and I suspect will be ironed out in future episodes. The Hannibal Lecter-esque execution scenes (which were carried out very matter-of-factly) squicked me out a bit, and I imagine they will only become more graphic as the series progresses. But I'm not a huge fan of gore, so that's just me.

The bottom line is that I would watch this show again, and probably would also get hooked on it. There was a sweet little cliffhanger at the end of the episode I watched and I must see where it goes. But since I don't have Showtime, I probably won't be seeing it again until I can get the DVDs from Netflix. Unless of course, they decide to keep feeding me episodes... And if that should happen, well I can't help it if I want to continue writing about it, now can I? How 'bout it, marketing lackeys?

Supernaturally Delicious!

I saw this directory advertisement at the mall this past weekend, and was so thrilled I almost shat my pants. That's right. I have a completely unadulterated, total and unapologetic love for the television show Supernatural. Love!

The premise if you are unfamiliar, is that two beautiful boys (brothers Sam and Dean Winchester), drive around in a beautiful '67 Impala, fighting ghosts and monsters, all while maintaining stylish hairdo's and a fabulous wardrobe. There is a recurring plotline about their family that involves them searching for their father, who is searching for the demon that killed their mother (and Sam's girlfriend) and Sam also has some telekinetic powers which conveniently turn on and off at random. But most of the weekly plots are as self contained and formulaic as an episode of Full House:

The brothers show up in a random town where they read about a strange death or disappearance, bicker about whether or not the occurrence is in fact supernatural, do some meager investigating and discover that it is, fight the thing, save the girl, and move on to the next town accompanied by a bitchin classic rock soundtrack and the purr of the Impala.

Sometimes the boys fight with each other. Sometimes they exhibit tremendously schmoopy displays of brotherly love. Or patriarchal fighting/love, if Papa Winchester is around. (Who is not too shabby, himself.) It should come as no surprise that they always do their best acting through facial expressions.

It's true that Supernatural doesn't always have the best effects, continuity, or writing. (In one episode about killer insects, they actually tried to pass off plastic Halloween spiders as real spiders.) But when you have two leads who look like this, (three, including the car) who really needs those things, anyway?

If you're looking for that perfect gift to get your Litelysalted for her birthday, Supernatural Season 1 comes out on DVD September 5th! Special features include: A Day in the Life of Jared and Jensen. Wheeeeee!

What I learned from watching NEXT on Mtv.

Okay first of all let me clear up why I watch NEXT. The treadmills at my gym all have little flatscreen TVs affixed to them. You can bring in headphones to listen to the TVs, but if you're like me and you run on average 6-8mph, it's both distracting and dangerous to have wires dangling around your face. So out of all the channels, Mtv is the one network that airs programming where the assumed mental capacity of the viewer is so substandard, you don't actually need sound to understand and enjoy it. Actually, I probably enjoy it more without the sound.

Having cleared that up. NEXT is quite possibly the most fascinating Mtv show I've ever seen. The girls are all whorey disease farms, and the guys are all clearly homosexual. As each potential "dater" is getting off the NEXT bus they do a freeze frame, and graphics on the screen helpfully give you the name and a few "fun facts" about each candidate. I shit you not, some of the "fun facts" I saw on the program tonight, (for the guys) included: Idolizes Keanu Reeves; Wears pink on a daily basis; Scopes Overeaters Anonymous to meet chicks; and Likes the smell of his own armpits. Well, of course. Because what totally not gay guy doesn't like the occasional whiff of man musk?* Oh, and let it be known that the OA guy actually kissed his bicep and flexed his muscle for the viewing pleasure of the other four totally not gay dudes on the bus.

The girls are slightly less entertaining, unless one of them falls off the bus. Of course there is always the Prerequisite Chubby Girl, who typically goes up first so the totally not gay guy in question can immediately "NEXT" her, much to the delight of the other catty whores waiting back on the bus.

So what did I learn by watching NEXT? Well, nothing, actually. Except our country is doomed, as the idiots will inherit the earth. But we already knew that.

*That's not a fair question. Litelysalted has quite a few gay friends, and without consulting with any of them I would have to assume that gay men probably don't actually like armpit smell. But you have to admit it doesn't present a rock solid case for straight, either.

Litelysalted's Favorite Things

You know how Oprah has that show, "Oprah's Favorite Things?" Well these are my favorite things. Only you don't get any of them, unless you go buy them yourself. Sorry, I'm not rich like "Oprah" so I can't "afford it." Oh, and by the way, before you go thinking I love Oprah... I've only ever seen her show like a couple of times in my life. Although I actually did see a "favorite things" episode, when my old roommate Megan The Mean Fake Hippie made me watch it. So there!

Morningstar Farms new Philly Cheesesteak Burgers. These things are a little slice of heaven. Grill em up, and bake em on a kaiser roll with some cheese and sweet peppers. My god!

J Crew's "Critter" collection. If anyone ever needed even more evidence that I am a Huge Nerd, here it is. I will literally buy anything that has cute little things embroidered on it. I have shirts, tanks, sweaters, skirts, handbags, lounge pants, flip flops, belts, hats, and even nighties with an assortment of little animals, bugs, fruits, and even modes of transportation. There must come a point in every woman's life, when they hit their late twenties and suddenly decide it's time to start dressing like a grownup and stop wearing clothes with stupid things on them. Luckily for me, that day hasn't come yet!

Amigo Bagels, from my local bagel joint. I don't know why they call them Amigo Bagels, because that translates to "Friend Bagels." Hee! Friend Bagels! But they are jam packed with jalapeno-ey salsa goodness and that's all that matters to me.

The Magic Bullet. Well, it would be one of my favorite things if Mister LitelySalted would let me get one. But apparently he thinks I should have learned my lesson from The Pasta Pot (with lid draining action) and The Quick Chop (that had blades as sharp as a pre-schooler's plastic scissors.)

Hardy's Stamp of Australia boxed wines. Now we all know I'm a classy broad, right? Stop that snickering, you! Regardless. I have no problem drinking wine out of a box, just so long it doesn't taste like swill. Well not only does Hardy's not taste like swill, but it is actually pretty good! (That should be their selling point: Hardy's: doesn't taste like swill!) So far I have tried the Shiraz and the Riesling and I believe that they are comparable to higher priced bottled versions. Hardy's costs approximately $15-$20 for a 3-liter box, which amounts to about 4 bottles.

TV Shows on DVD. There's something you should know about me. I'm the world's biggest TV junkie. If I have seen a show at least 3 times and enjoyed it, chances are I own it, have contemplated (or am planning on) purchasing, or have rented from Netflix. Actual examples include: Angel, Different Strokes, Heathcliff & the Catillac Cats, Quantum Leap, Night Court, Beavis and Butthead, The Monkees, The Wonder Years*, The Pink Panther collection, Amazing Stories (Holy crapcakes! That comes out today!), Supernatural, and Alf. Because of financial and space constraints, I am already behind a season or two (I gave up on the Simpsons about 5 seasons ago) on shows I love like NewsRadio and Kids in the Hall.

*The Wonder Years isn't actually available on DVD as of yet, due to music licensing issues with it's amazing soundtrack. But you know when it does become available I will be pre-ordering it from Amazon in a hot minute!